Congratulations Glory Bowl

Congratulations Glory Bowl on the 2013 Beer Frame Bowling League Championship.  I think this pretty much says it all.

The Ridgway Trophy will sit proudly with the members of Glory Bowl for the next year.  I hope that the fire place mantle has enough room for the trophy and the stockings this holiday season.

For those you won't be celebrating over the next year, the final standings were:

2nd - The Gutter Sluts
3rd - The Hot Karls
4th -  Stop Looking at Our Balls
5th - Sore Dicks
6th - Money Balls
7th - Forkin' Balls
8th - Gutt-er Done
9th - I Can't Believe its Not Gutter
10th - The Late Comers
11th - Cheenkz & Crackez
DFL - Moustachio Balls

Thanks everybody for another great season.  Enjoy the off season and make sure to be on your best behavior so that Santa will put that shiny new bowling ball under your tree this year.

The Night of Champions: Match Preview

First off a very important note.  Some seasons the Turkeys come so fast and furious that the league coffers are depleted before the final night.  We have reached that point (almost) for this season.  If you are holding a free pitcher coupon they will still be good for Thursday night.  However no new beer tickets will be issued during the Night of Champions.

Now on to the NOC match previews.

Championship match:

The Gutter Sluts vs. Glory Bowl

The Gutter Sluts are trying to repeat as champions and claim their 4th overall BFBL championship.  Opposing them will be a Glory Bowl team paced by Bill Baldry's unfathomable 186 average.  I've heard grumblings that this should be renamed the Sandbagger Championship match or perhaps the How the Hell are those teams winning. They must be cheating Championship match.  Comments like that must just be sour grapes.  No substantial allegations on either team have ever been reported to the league office.  In fact, Dan Twiss of the Sluts was just conferred a doctorate degree from BSU after he presented his brilliant thesis titled "How to Game the Bowling Handicap System" to school regents.


The 3rd Place Match

The Hot Karls vs. Stop Looking At Our Balls

This match pits two of the oldest BFBL franchises against each other.  For the Karl's frustration is starting to set in.  Captain Tom conceded that the switch to a European video of an actual hot Karl might not have had the motivational effect he was looking for.  "I thought that the authenticity would be important, but maybe the German dialogue just couldn't get the message across."  I'm not sure the answer lies in the language of the motivation video the Karl captain screens at the beginning of each season though.  This year's version produced the same amount of vomiting as in previous years.  For Stop Looking 3rd place would be a dream come true.  Not a dream any of them want to relive, but a dream none the less.


The 5th Place Match

Sore Dicks vs. Money Balls

Bowling in the 5th place match is a high water mark for the Dicks.  I'm sure the fact that captain Jerret missed a few weeks has nothing to do with this surprising result.  For Money Balls first season there is mixed feelings.  Self proclaimed team mom Sarah Marshall has seen this as a positive and often cheers on her teammates with Stuart Smalley like platitudes.  On the other side of the spectrum, self proclaimed team prick Lance Ritchie spends most of the practice week yelling at his teammates and telling them they suck. 

The 7th Place Match

Gutter Done vs. Forkin Balls

This is a matchup of two teams that failed to meet expectations this season.  For Forkin' Balls, away from the alley drama involving two newborns, lack of sleep and a new found apathy towards most things in life that do not involve child rearing have dulled this teams edge.  For Gutter Done, the step back was when no team member took a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  One has to wonder what the future holds for these once up and coming franchises.


The 9th Place Match

The Late Comers vs. I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter

There is no truth to the rumor that I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter was thinking of changing their name to "I Can't Believe There's a 9th place match".  Some believe that this is the Curse of not Wearing a Halloween costume come home to roost.  For the Late Comers finishing 9th would be something to build on for next year.  Since they are an expansion team any finish would probably fit into that description, but hey you have to start somewhere.

DFL Match

Moustachio Balls vs. Cheenkz & Crackez

Usually this is the Sucks versus Really Sucks match and that still holds true for the Moustachio's.  For the Cheenkz though, a look at the numbers reveal a different story.  This year the Cheenkz have rolled the highest game and series totals without handicaps and with all 6 bowlers sporting averages north of 100, the case could be made that they have run into a string of bad luck.  Of course nobody would really listen to that case, but it might be a nice change from the complaining about handicaps discussion.

Week 5 Results

Quick Tutorial: Billy Dee Williams

Kids, this one if aimed at you.  I've gotten a surprising number of blank stares this year when handing out the free beer card with Billy Dee Williams on it.  I would have thought that if you didn't know who Billy Dee was, then you wouldn't be old enough to drink beer in the first place.  Apparently, the seasons having been rolling by a little quicker than I had realized.  So, it's time to transport your mind back to a time when things like the internet didn't even exist in Bill Gates wet dreams. 

William December "Billy Dee" Williams Jr. was a handsome black actor born on April 6, 1937.  I point out the middle part only because back in the seventies and eighties you could count on one hand the number of African Americans that were cast in movies and on TV.  During the early 70's Billy Dee came to prominence working in several Blaxploitation movies (Although Billy Dee didn't appear in any of these, Shaft, Cleopatra Jones and Dolomite are all fine examples of the genre). 

It was his appearance in the 1980 Star Wars film "The Empire Strikes Back" that really brought Billy Dee fame.  Playing the dashing good guy / scumbag Lando Calrissian:

 
Its his role in the most successful film franchise of all time that made Billy Dee a star.  At that time in this country that means that you now get to pitch products.  Which brings us to one of the greatest commercials of all time.  Once you get past the fact that at one time (before the micro brew booms of the mid 90's and late 00's), malt liquor was actually advertised on TV as a legitimate alcoholic refreshment choice, then the real questions start.  I can only urge you to click the link below and take a couple of viewings to really digest all this is going on in this spot.

http://youtu.be/uHtT0x6_MDM 

Team Spotlight: The Late Comers

Die Hard Bowlers,

I mentioned in a previous post that we have a tradition here at the BFBL to put the spotlight on our expansion teams.  Usually this is done much earlier in the year, but this year the league office was consumed with some eligibility questions.  As you know the BFBL offers some of the finest amateur bowling competition north of Glenwood and east of Chinden.  As such, a spot in our league is quite coveted and we must be ever vigilant for professional bowlers masquerading and amateurs.  It is a job the league office takes very seriously to project the integrity of the league (and to keep the BFBL bar tab in check).  So, when these were uncovered shortly after The Late Comers entered the league..

all the league's front office resources were put on alert to investigate the status of these "amateur bowlers".  (As a side note, if you didn't get a chance bowl the Late Comers this year, the bowling cards are dead ringers for four of the team members.  That includes Colter, who at the age of 25 is still waiting for this puberty thing to kick in).

A sampling of the back of these bowling cards was the first clue, that the league may have had it's first breach of the amateur clause that is stated quite clearly in its bylaws.  Below is just a sample:

Jake Tucker - Once rolled exactly 300 over a three game set.  The three identical scores of 100 ranked as the highlight of Jake's life.

Kelsey Merida -  Was propositioned a record 22 weeks in a row by the Shriner's over 80 bowling league.  It turns out that two bits doesn't go as far as it did during the Taft administration.

Colter Kamo - Recently graduated to using an 8 pound ball as the 25 year old finally cracked the 45 pound mark in the bench press.

Matt Maneely - Calls his ball the Green Beetle.  Was recently released from the Fruitland Psychiatric Hospital after treatment for having a condition called bowling psychosis (also was treated for an addiction to bowling alley skanks that can only open one eyelid). 

It's tough to imagine anything so spectacular being said about regular amateur bowlers. 

Added to the bowling card evidence, the remaining two Late Comers, Kelsey Crockett, and Katie Johnson have one of the most unusual tattoos that the league has ever seen.  Description won't do it justice, but imagine a tramp stamp spread across two lower backs standing side by side.  Both halves together complete a triangle that is complete with 10 bowling pins.  As if that weren't enough further down on Katie is another tattoo of a black bowling ball.  I'll let you figure out exactly what body part was covered / used to provide some very realistic detail on the ball.

All of this added together made the league office very suspicious about the status of the Late Comers as a team.

It was only when the BFBL league accountant informed the investigative team that the Late Comers check hadn't bounced that a ruling was reached that allowed the Late Comers to bowl.

The Night of Champions (& a few reminders)

Bowlers,

The Night of Champions is next week.  I'm sure those of you new to the league are wondering what in the hell is the Night of Champions.  Well, in addition to being the night to crown the league champion for 2013, it is a wondrous night filled with enough spectacle and pageantry that last year the Garden City Tribune compared it to the Mecolies (the Mexican equivalent of the daytime Emmy awards) & the Canadian baseball playoffs all rolled into one.  It's really one of those things that's hard to explain and you have to experience to truly appreciate.  Kind of like going to the dentist. 

A few things to keep in mind for the Night of Champions.  The matches pit #1 vs. #2, #3 vs. #4 and so on.  The are also winner take all.  So, no matter how much you've sucked all year, hope remains to move up in the final standings.

Over the years the Night of Champions has really marked the start of the holiday season.


Now even though we only have two weeks left in the season, there are a couple of reminders.
- Make sure you turn your scorecards / clipboards in to to me at the end of the night (after writing down your scores)
- The Westy's employees enjoy handling used bowling shoes about as much as you do.  They request that you untie them before turning them in.
- Clean up after yourselves.  That includes putting your ball back on the rack and your food baskets / cups.  The last couple of weeks it has looked like a Homeless camp had just left to go dumpster diving.
- Tip your waitress  (I've actually never had a complaint about this one, so thank you to everybody)

Team Spotlight: Money Balls

It's tradition here at the Beer Frame Bowling League to publish a little piece that allows all the league members to get past the menacing veneers that come with amateur bowlers and get to know the people and teams behind the competition.  With that our first expansion team spotlight falls on Money Balls.

Originally, Money Balls considered the name Ritchie, Marshall & Flynn to account for all the team members last names.  Without the same ring of Crosby, Stills and Nash, the name was quickly replaced.  Version 2 was Ritchie Marshal (feat. Flynn).  Although this had a more hip hop vibe, the team quickly realized that just because every hip hop artist uses it, doesn't mean its not stupid.  On the third try, the team simply took a vote on their favorite things.  I'm told the ballots came back with 5 votes for "balls" and 1 for "money".

Usually the team spotlight focuses on how the team was assembled and the personalities and locales of each member.  In the Money Balls case however, they came as a package deal.  Oddly, forming a bowling team wasn't their original intention.  Team captain Lance only ever wanted to make money (making his vote for balls as his favorite thing a little curious).  So, all of his interactions, relationships and jobs have been pursued with that singular goal.  Over the years, Lance has connected with the other 5 members of Money Balls because they also shared his passion.

They've been together so long now that nobody can remember how it all began.  However they can all recite their previous failed ventures together.  Kaitlyn talked about the time they attempted to sell advertising space on kids diapers to liquor and beer companies.  Somehow seeing a picture of a bottle of Black Velvet on a toddler's bottom didn't drive much in sales.  Blake's favorite was the time they opened a shop to customize senior citizens Rascals.  Turns out not many seniors wanted a wicked cool spoiler on their motorized carts.  Chad and Sarah Marshall both agree that their personal favorite was the shoes they developed that had a smart phone storage compartment built right into the heel.  Gorilla glass or not it turns out there is no stopping the destruction our nations obesity epidemic can inflict.  Finally, Erin Flynn counts the failed Mail retrieval service the group offered.  Not only did this one end up being against the law, people in this country haven't yet gotten lazy enough to start paying strangers to walk your mail from your mailbox to your front door.

Despite their previous failures everybody is dead certain that the Beer Frame Bowling League will be their path to riches.

Welcome to the league Money Balls. 

It might be time to mention that the league champion is awarded no money.

Match of the Week: The Gutter Sluts vs. Gutt-er Done

Wow, we are already at the final week of the regular season.  We have a lot of to cover, so there should be several more posts today and tomorrow.  Let's start with the Match of the Week.

Tomorrow night the 2nd place and defending champion Gutter Sluts vs. Gutt-er Done.  Both teams are trying to move into position to bowl for the league championship during next week's Night of Champions. 

In the pre-handicap era, this would look like a one sided match.  With one exception, Gutt-er Done carries higher handicaps than all of the Sluts.  As it stands though, the age of BFBL parity has granted both teams a somewhat equal chance of winning. 

To leapfrog the Gutter Sluts and make the championship match Gutt-er done is going to need all three points tomorrow night.  A visit to the Gutt-er Done practice facility has revealed no change to the Gutt-er Done practice week routine.  Also, it appears that Gutt-er Done captain Donny is suffering no ill effects from his attempted David Lee Roth celebration kick injury last week.

Week 4 Results

Beer Frame Bowling: Halloween Night

Well the BFBL once again did their parents proud on Halloween night.  Before we get into the team pictures, I think we can all agree that this is the scariest costume of the evening. 

 

 

On the other hand, this is the lamest costume of the night:

To be fair, I think the CHiPs outfits are top notch.  The issue is that these are the only two representatives of I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter to dress up.  For shame Gutters....

Now one with the team pics.  In the battle of the TV Shows:
It's Duck Dynasty

Vs. Duck Dynasty

Vs. Mad Men

Somewhat related and very created were the insurance company spokesmen/women/animals

I have to say this one scored high in the fictional originality category, but in the end it came up just a little short to this:

Lambda, Lamda, Lamda & Omega Mu's.  I realize that we may have some bowlers who have never seen Revenge of the Nerds and may not be able to appreciate this costume.  If that is the case, all I can say is, "What the hell is wrong with you".  Bypass the urge to watch the entire TMZ video catalogue and use the amazing ability to watch movies on demand anytime and anywhere to view this classic story of Jocks vs. Nerds the next time you go to see a man about a horse.

While you're at it, start streaming the Goonies as well (Probably not in the same sitting though.  You're legs will fall asleep)

Moving on, the winner of the Honey Badger award that capitalized on the latest internet craze involving animals; What Does the Fox Say?

If you haven't seen this video, google it.  I've seen it and though I can't speak for the fox, I remember that my first words were; "shoot me".

Now, I think we have now extended the streak of a team dressing as Mormons.

I'll admit to getting a laugh out of this one every year.  I have always wondered if anybody at Westy's got offended by this outfit.  After talking with the staff, they informed that most Mormons view bowling as a form of gambling and aren't usually found in bowling alleys.  They did caution that that rule doesn't apply to places like Big Al's because it's located in a strip mall with plenty of parking.  Apparently deep in the book of Mormon is a passage that states as long of you don't have to pay for parking, parallel park or enter a building built before 1985, anything goes.


Rounding out our final teams in the Thinker Category are:

The Cat and the Hats &

White Trash and Super Hero

Finally, in case you have somehow been able to put that first picture out of your mind, Miley and Teddy Bears.

Happy Halloween everybody

 

Handicaps Explained :) ..... Sort of

Hey did you know that the Beer Frame Bowling League uses bowling handicaps?  It's true.  They are designed to help level the playing field and provide enjoyment for Bowlers of all skill levels.  Although I've never gotten a question about the handicap, I thought it would be interesting to provide a simple example on how they are calculated.

Our league calculates each individual handicap using 100% of 170

Then means, that it takes 170 and subtracts your average score and the difference becomes your handicap.  So, if you have a 140 average, your handicap would be 30. At the end of the game, 30 would be added to you pin total. 

Since your bowling average changes from game to game, your handicap is not static.  Also if you were to carry an average above 170, your handicap would be zero.  Of course you would also be run out of the league as a ringer.

Finally if you're a sub without an established average, your handicap is not figured out until the after the game, which leads to some surprises when the official results are published on Friday.

I hope everybody enjoyed this look at the fascinating world that only operates in dodgy bowling lanes across this great country.

Week 3 Results

Weeek 2 Standings - Updated

Welcome To The Internet!

Bowlers,

What you are now viewing is called a website.  These are usually accessed through a web browser and most likely can be viewed on the smart device that is currently sitting in your pocket.  You know the one that has the selfie of your undercarriage on it.

So, now as you're probably thinking, why am I getting an internet 101 lecture, I thought it would be a good time to provide everybody an exclusive behind the scenes look at running a bowling league.  In the grander sense, it also sheds some light on the ongoing sociology study that it trying to answer the question; Who hangs out in bowling alleys anyway?.

I digress though.  Since the inception of the Beer Frame Bowling League 9 years ago, I can pretty much count on the same questions coming up on a weekly basis.  Now, I'm happy to provide to answers, as I view it as part of my self styled job description.  In addition to being able to predict the questions, I can also pretty much guarantee the response to the answers.  Usually it runs between; "I didn't read the email" or "I don't have the website link". 

Since we've progressed as a species to the point where pretty much everybody has the internet with them at all times and the fact that shares in Google just topped $1000 a share based largely on internet searching technology, I can only draw two conclusions from these excuses.

1. I am too lazy to ready anything over 10 words.
2. I actually don't now how to read.

Of course if you are looking at this post, there is still hope for you.  I can't help if you skipped reading class in grades K-12, but if you're in bucket number 1, I can offer a few helpful hints to make sure you don't lose track of the website address.

- Add the address to your internet browser's 'favorites'
- Never close your web browser or turn off your computer / mobile device
- Don't navigate to any other web pages

Week 1 Standings

Well bowlers, week 1 is in the books and we are off and running.

 

First off a few housekeeping items:

 

Yes, handicaps are in effect this year.  As a reminder, they are supposed to level the playing field between bowlers of different skill levels.  No, I still haven't taken the time to figure out how they are calculated.

 

 Also, since we are taking Thursday the 31st off for Halloween, the league's annual Halloween night will be moved up a week.  So, make sure you spend a few brain cells getting your costume ideas together.  As always this includes any subs you may have bowling for you that evening.  If you are new to the league, you can check previous posts on the website for past Halloween nights.  The short of it is that your team including subs is required to dress in costume.  You are also required to bowl in that costume.  The penalty for non compliance is no free beer that evening for your entire team.

 

Finally a reminder that you alternate lanes during your games.  That means that you will bowl one turn on the left hand lane and switch over to the right hand lane for your next turn.  If your team has fallen off the pace it is possible for a team to have bowlers on both lanes at any one time. 

 

In actual bowling news the high scores for the men were: Bill Baldry, Tyler Haener and TJ Oelker all bowled a 183.  Those are pretty lofty scores for members of this league and I know that Westy's doesn't allow anybody over 12 to use the bumpers, so the only thing I can think of is that these three hired this guy to take care of any "extra" pins:

 

On the ladies side Heidi Trebesch rolled a 148.  I had heard rumors that Heidi had been spending a lot of time at the alley this offseason.  Actually the rumor was Heidi went crazy and chose the alley to hand out in so that she'd blend in.  Either way it appears that she at least had enough of her wits to roll a few games.

 

Captains, make sure your rosters are full.

 

See everybody Thursday.  

Welcome to Season 9

Beer Framers,

Opening night is Thursday October 10th.  Just a couple of reminders:

• Meet in the bar so as not to disrupt the other leagues
• Come find me when you win free beer
• Tip your waitresses
• Always order the Tater Tots
• Pay your league dues