The Gutter Sluts battered a drunken Gutter-Done both games to rob the Championship match of any drama. Congratulations to the Sluts on their 2nd BFBL Championship. The final standings are below:
1st The Gutter Sluts
2nd Gutter-Done
3rd The Hot Karls
4th The Three Hole Enthusiasts
5th The Lickety Splits
6th I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
7th Kum ichi my Ballz
8th Forkin' Balls
9th Sore Dicks
10th Three Fingers Deep
11th Bowl Movement
DFL Stop Looking At Our Balls
Thanks everybody for a great year. I hope to see you all next fall for Season 8.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Week 7 Newsletter
Kids, it is the night you look forward to all year on the calendar. That’s right, tonight is the Night of Champions Eve. Tomorrow at the hallowed grounds of Westy’s Bowling Alley and Germatorium yet another BFBL Champion will be crowned.
A quick note for newbies and those that killed off some select brain cells in the past year. On the Night of Champions, everybody bowls. The #1 seed will play the #2 seed, 3 vs. 4, etc. The matches will be winner take all. Throw out the regular season records and pin totals. Win tomorrow night and go into the off season with the sweet smell of fried food (and victory) encircling your nostrils.
The match previews for the Night of Champions are as follows:
Championship Match: The Gutter Sluts v. Gutter-Done
The Gutter Sluts are gunning for their 2nd league title, while the Gutter-done is looking for their first. The big question will be if Gutter-Done’s will be able to withstand the crucible of pressure that comes with bowling for a BFBL title. For the Gutter Sluts, their return to the top came out of nowhere. Mired in years of internal turmoil, roster turnover and general mediocrity, somehow the Sluts have managed to put together a dream run this season.
3rd Place Match: The Hot Karls v. Three Hole Enthusiasts
For the 4th year in a row, the Karls the Three Holes meet on the Night of Champions. The previous three resulted in the winner claiming the BFBL championship. This time it will be for good old fashion pride. It is also a clash of cultures; The Hot Karls define themselves as a well groomed, good looking, bowling juggernaut. The Three Holes on the other hand, are a disheveled, slovenly collection that most people just assume live in a van down by the river.
5th Place Match: The Lickety Splits v. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter
The Lickety Splits have shot up the standings this year and I think it can be attributed to the additions of two new members. Chris and Emily Allen brought much needed elite level bowling alley experience to the Splits this year. They actual met in a bowling alley. Emily was the jr. cocktail waitress at the Chalet Lanes in Tacoma WA. Chris was a down on his luck drifter hanging out at the front counter, addicted to the shoe sterilizing spray. After a whirlwind romance consisting mostly of Chris grabbing Emily’s ass as she passed by and Emily smuggling out used cans of ShoeStink 3000 for Chris to huff, they settled down. After shacking up, Emily made some internet history as she became the first prostitute to offer a Groupon. With the overwhelming Groupon response, Chris found himself with more free time than ever. It was with that extra free time, that Chris found an engagement ring for Emily as he was dumpster diving for more ShoeStink.
For I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter, this will be their last chance to stop their mid season free fall.
7th Place Match: Forkin’ Balls v. Kum Ichi Mi Ballz
In the battle of the Balls, whose will come out as the biggest? For the Forks, a win would be an up note to an up and down first season. For Kum Ichi, it will be yet another chapter in their quest to answer two of life’s most fundamental questions: 1. How much beer can I drink without throwing 20 straight gutter balls? 2. How does Jake have so many dollar bills while still keeping his pants on?
9th Place Match: Sore Dicks v. Three Fingers Deep
Sore Dick captain Jerret has excitedly been telling his patients all week, that his team is bowling for 9th place. It’s a wonder that he has any patients left. The only thing people hate more than a loser is a loser celebrating a grasp for mediocrity. For Three Fingers Deep, it’s the same old story. It appears that even when he’s not on the Tequila, captain Mikey C, still has his work cut out for him.
DFL Match: Stop Looking at Our Balls v. Bowl Movement
Nothing to preview here. This is sucks vs. uber-sucks
BFBL Past Champions
2010 Three Hole Enthusiasts
2009 The Hot Karls
2008 The Hot Karls
2007 Three Hole Enthusiasts
2006 Watery Poop (now Kum ichi mi Ballz)
2005 The Gutter Sluts
Friday, November 11, 2011
Week 7 (& Regular Season) Results
Well gang the regular season is over and the Night Of Champions lineup is all set. In the Championship match, The Gutter Sluts will be gunning for their second BFBL Championship, while Gutter-done are trying for their first.
Kevin - Make sure to bring the Championship Trophy
Kevin - Make sure to bring the Championship Trophy
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Week 6 Newsletter
It’s already the last week fo the regular season and it is going to be hard to catch Gutter-done and the Gutter Sluts to sneak into the Championship match. The only team that has their destiny in their own colorful bowling shoes is I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. The former number ones takes to the alley tonight in the marquee matchup with their mentors; Gutter-Done. A sweep by the Can’t Believers would be enough for them to jump the Gutter-done’s. The fact that Gutter Done Captain Donny helped get the Can’t Believers promoted to the BFBL only adds another facet to this story which has many layers. Well, two layers to be more specific. See everybody at the alley. The expansion team spotlight, falls on Forkin’ Balls below.
Expansion Team Spotlight: Forkin' Balls
It is not widely known that the BFBL has a celebrity captain in their midst. Cameron Lumsden owns popular downtown eatery Fork. More impressive than that though is that he has been quoted in none other than the Idaho Statesman*. The full article can be read here: http://www.idahostatesman.com/2011/11/04/1864837/flavors-of-fall-land-on-boise.html but the most interesting point of his interview was glossed over by the crack Statesman staff. His observation printed as: “Fork owner Cameron Lumsden sees his red wine sales go up in the fall” was left at that. The league offices were able to get a hold of the complete reporter’s notes (after his English teacher gave him a C-) and they ready like this:Cameron “Red wine sales go up in the winter. Well, actually all booze sales go up in the winter. Do you want a drink? I think it has to do with all the darkness. I sure could use a drink. I know that when I wake up and it’s still dark, that the night before hasn’t ended, so I don’t have a problem whetting my whistle. Then when I leave work, it’s still dark so I practically need to have a few to make sure my eyes are dilated properly. Boy you know I could get us a drink even though all the taps are turned off and the cabinet is locked. Are you sure you don’t want one for the road before you go back to class?
The reporter then noted that Cameron began drinking from the drip pan below the tap
handles.
Joining Cameron on the Balls is Amanda Shea. Amanda met Cameron almost immediately after she stepped off the bus from New York City. Needing to use the restroom, Amanda went from the bus station to Fork. When she noticed that the stall in the ladies room was twice as big as her apartment, she never left. After a couple of days, Cameron noticed longer than usual lines for the bathroom while the restaurant was opened. After hours, Cameron went into the ladies room, where he found Amanda curled up, sleeping blissfully on the baby changing shelf in the handicap stall.
Jodi and Dave LeBrie opted to join Cameron and Amanda when their plan to be surgically conjoined by the hands fell through. Jodi and Dave had recently finished second at the Middleton Charleston Dancing competition. This was after a 3rd place finish in 2010. After being faulted by the judges for rather tame lower leg gyrations in 2010, Jodi and Dave immediately had their knee tendons removed. Back for more in 2011, the judges noticed a small hand separation during their new routine. Although they were given high marks for “lower legs that practically spun in circles”, the hand break cost them. When Dave and Jodi met Cameron in the hospital waiting room, he mentioned the bowling team he was putting together. Always on a quest to find a non-mainstream activity that might allow them to shower themselves with glory and provide meaning to their lives, Dave and Jodi followed Cameron out the door.
Rounding out the male side of his team, Cameron turned to Dave Thornton. Looking at Dave you’d be tempted to speculate that he was brought in as a ringer. In fact, Cameron had no idea if Dave could bowl at all. He did know that he had plenty of free time as he recently retired after selling a pot roast that looked like the inn keeper who owned the manger where Jesus was born to some wingnut in South Carolina.
Finally, Stephanie Trebesch rounds out the Forkin Balls team. Stephanie didn’t need much convincing to join a team. Having just spent 64 consecutive nights at Hannah’s without so much as getting asked for her phone number, Stephanie decided maybe she wasn’t cut out for the bar scene. It probably didn’t help, that Stephanie refused to wear anything but her t-shirt that read: Ask Me About My Celibacy. I talked to her on opening night and it was evident that she had received a second wind in the social arena. She gushed on and on about how many sophisticated, good looking and intelligent men had already approached her at Westy’s. When I asked her about her lucky t-shirt, she told me she still had it on, but they others made her wear this bowling jersey over the top of it. When I asked her about her standards, she only paused for a moment, cocked her head slightly and replied, huh?Ladies & Gentleman, Forkin’ Balls.
As a side note, many former Statesman writers and editors applied for the BFBL internship job. Those without a resume were not interviewed. The two that at least had their accomplishments listed on a cocktail napkin were almost interviewed. They were removed from consideration when they arrived at the league offices in untied Velcro shoes and enough boogers running down their nose, that even my 2 year old ran to get them a tissue.
The reporter then noted that Cameron began drinking from the drip pan below the tap
handles.
Joining Cameron on the Balls is Amanda Shea. Amanda met Cameron almost immediately after she stepped off the bus from New York City. Needing to use the restroom, Amanda went from the bus station to Fork. When she noticed that the stall in the ladies room was twice as big as her apartment, she never left. After a couple of days, Cameron noticed longer than usual lines for the bathroom while the restaurant was opened. After hours, Cameron went into the ladies room, where he found Amanda curled up, sleeping blissfully on the baby changing shelf in the handicap stall.
Jodi and Dave LeBrie opted to join Cameron and Amanda when their plan to be surgically conjoined by the hands fell through. Jodi and Dave had recently finished second at the Middleton Charleston Dancing competition. This was after a 3rd place finish in 2010. After being faulted by the judges for rather tame lower leg gyrations in 2010, Jodi and Dave immediately had their knee tendons removed. Back for more in 2011, the judges noticed a small hand separation during their new routine. Although they were given high marks for “lower legs that practically spun in circles”, the hand break cost them. When Dave and Jodi met Cameron in the hospital waiting room, he mentioned the bowling team he was putting together. Always on a quest to find a non-mainstream activity that might allow them to shower themselves with glory and provide meaning to their lives, Dave and Jodi followed Cameron out the door.
Rounding out the male side of his team, Cameron turned to Dave Thornton. Looking at Dave you’d be tempted to speculate that he was brought in as a ringer. In fact, Cameron had no idea if Dave could bowl at all. He did know that he had plenty of free time as he recently retired after selling a pot roast that looked like the inn keeper who owned the manger where Jesus was born to some wingnut in South Carolina.
Finally, Stephanie Trebesch rounds out the Forkin Balls team. Stephanie didn’t need much convincing to join a team. Having just spent 64 consecutive nights at Hannah’s without so much as getting asked for her phone number, Stephanie decided maybe she wasn’t cut out for the bar scene. It probably didn’t help, that Stephanie refused to wear anything but her t-shirt that read: Ask Me About My Celibacy. I talked to her on opening night and it was evident that she had received a second wind in the social arena. She gushed on and on about how many sophisticated, good looking and intelligent men had already approached her at Westy’s. When I asked her about her lucky t-shirt, she told me she still had it on, but they others made her wear this bowling jersey over the top of it. When I asked her about her standards, she only paused for a moment, cocked her head slightly and replied, huh?Ladies & Gentleman, Forkin’ Balls.
As a side note, many former Statesman writers and editors applied for the BFBL internship job. Those without a resume were not interviewed. The two that at least had their accomplishments listed on a cocktail napkin were almost interviewed. They were removed from consideration when they arrived at the league offices in untied Velcro shoes and enough boogers running down their nose, that even my 2 year old ran to get them a tissue.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Week 6 Standings
Gutter-Done is your new 1st place team. By a grand total of 22 total pins they have put themselves in a great position to make their first championship game.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Week 5 Photo Newsletter Part III
Capturing 1st place in the category of "Capitalizing on a mild YouTube craze"
The Honey Badger (and his prey). Carson is the biggest (read: only) Honey Badger enthusiast that I know. I've been told that he easily convinced his team on the costume idea. He was less successful with his followup Honey Badger video viewing party.
In a blast from the past, Forkin' Balls went with the Flintstones. For those you too young to remember watching the Flintstones, "Twinkle Toes" Fred and Barney spent their leisure time in the bowling alley. That would be the leisure time that that wasn't already taken up verbally abusing their wives and chowing down on Brontosaurus Burgers.
In the "Let's Pick a Costume to Offend one of our Team Members" category:
The Panda-philes came as Poachers. As a point of explanation, Jake is an Asian-American. One who has a predilection for molesting pandas. In their continuing effort to rehab Jake, his team has been making Jake face his flaws in public. If this doesn't work, I've been told that they will simply remind Jake that he is of Japanese decent and that panda bears are native to China.
I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
ICBING came into Halloween night in 1st place dressed as middle of the standings team Gutter-Done. They promptly got waxed and are now looking up in the standings. If I were Jenna, I might have followed the advice of a little four old boy. Last year a little budding alley rat took one look at Gutter-Done captain Donny and went screaming to his mom yelling "Mommy don't let me grow up to be like that guy".
Steve Jobs and the IBowlers
Stop Looking at Our Balls captain Brett Hoover, was the brainchild behind this costume. It was his small way to pay tribute to one his heroes, Steve Jobs. Rory, the BFBL intern was able to sit in on the design sessions for these costumes and had this to add. "Originally, Walker was tabbed to be Siri, the new Iphone 4s digital assistant. After 5 minutes of Teeter randomly yelling "Siri drop your pants", the idea was scrapped."
Finally in the "WTF" category we have Bowl Movement.
It's unclear to the league office if the team simply refused to take their team photo of if Phil and Leif felt that they were the team and everybody else was there to just suck up oxygen.
In either event, we can all be glad that Leif's original costume idea didn't see the light of day.
See everybody tonight at the alley.
The Honey Badger (and his prey). Carson is the biggest (read: only) Honey Badger enthusiast that I know. I've been told that he easily convinced his team on the costume idea. He was less successful with his followup Honey Badger video viewing party.In a blast from the past, Forkin' Balls went with the Flintstones. For those you too young to remember watching the Flintstones, "Twinkle Toes" Fred and Barney spent their leisure time in the bowling alley. That would be the leisure time that that wasn't already taken up verbally abusing their wives and chowing down on Brontosaurus Burgers.
In the "Let's Pick a Costume to Offend one of our Team Members" category:
The Panda-philes came as Poachers. As a point of explanation, Jake is an Asian-American. One who has a predilection for molesting pandas. In their continuing effort to rehab Jake, his team has been making Jake face his flaws in public. If this doesn't work, I've been told that they will simply remind Jake that he is of Japanese decent and that panda bears are native to China.I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
ICBING came into Halloween night in 1st place dressed as middle of the standings team Gutter-Done. They promptly got waxed and are now looking up in the standings. If I were Jenna, I might have followed the advice of a little four old boy. Last year a little budding alley rat took one look at Gutter-Done captain Donny and went screaming to his mom yelling "Mommy don't let me grow up to be like that guy".Steve Jobs and the IBowlers
Stop Looking at Our Balls captain Brett Hoover, was the brainchild behind this costume. It was his small way to pay tribute to one his heroes, Steve Jobs. Rory, the BFBL intern was able to sit in on the design sessions for these costumes and had this to add. "Originally, Walker was tabbed to be Siri, the new Iphone 4s digital assistant. After 5 minutes of Teeter randomly yelling "Siri drop your pants", the idea was scrapped."Finally in the "WTF" category we have Bowl Movement.
It's unclear to the league office if the team simply refused to take their team photo of if Phil and Leif felt that they were the team and everybody else was there to just suck up oxygen.In either event, we can all be glad that Leif's original costume idea didn't see the light of day.
See everybody tonight at the alley.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Week 5 Photo Newsletter Part II
From the "I Can't Believe Any Team Hasn't Done This Yet" category:
The Big Lebowski. It's pretty safe to say that if you are in a bowling league and haven't seen the Big Lebowski, it is time to reassess your priorities in life.
Debuting as champions in a brand new category this year, the Sore Dicks win the:
"Costumes that we are going to try and bring into the bedroom"
For Jerret and Travis, this is understandable. Queen Amadala is hot. For Luke and Stacey all you need to know is that Luke is one weird dude.
Part III coming tomorrow....
The Big Lebowski. It's pretty safe to say that if you are in a bowling league and haven't seen the Big Lebowski, it is time to reassess your priorities in life.Debuting as champions in a brand new category this year, the Sore Dicks win the:
"Costumes that we are going to try and bring into the bedroom"
For Jerret and Travis, this is understandable. Queen Amadala is hot. For Luke and Stacey all you need to know is that Luke is one weird dude.Part III coming tomorrow....
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Week 5 Photo Newsletter Part I
As always Halloween night delivered.
The Annual "I'm seeing double award" goes to:
Team Pabst #1
& Pabst Team #2
Both teams employed top notch engineers to make these costumes wearable. The Gutter-Done's use of an entire crate of duct tap really pushed it over the top. The Three Hole Enthusiasts were also docked points because they didn't end up bowling in their costumes.
Amazingly we had 2nd place finishers in the seeing double category.
Both the Gutter Sluts and Three Fingers Deep ripped their costumes from all the headlines that nobody reads. Both teams were also entered into these additional categories:
"Let's protest to let the world know that being greedy unethical son of a bitch is bad"
"Camping in a park is fun, let's go protest"
Incidentally this is the second year in the row that the Gutter Sluts have come dressed up in the same costume as another team. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hear some conspiracy talk last week about costume stealing.
Again we have a team that is not fully dressed up in Three Fingers Deep. It was a sad scene when I had to deny Dave his rightful free pitcher for a turkey. As an innocent bystander sub, Dave was the victim of some shoddy captaining. After I explained the rules, Dave did seem to cheer up as he walked away. All I heard was "I'm going to kick Mikey C in the balls so hard that he'll have to a tonsillectomy to get them removed.
Part II coming soon...
The Annual "I'm seeing double award" goes to:
Team Pabst #1
& Pabst Team #2
Both teams employed top notch engineers to make these costumes wearable. The Gutter-Done's use of an entire crate of duct tap really pushed it over the top. The Three Hole Enthusiasts were also docked points because they didn't end up bowling in their costumes.Amazingly we had 2nd place finishers in the seeing double category.
Both the Gutter Sluts and Three Fingers Deep ripped their costumes from all the headlines that nobody reads. Both teams were also entered into these additional categories:
"Let's protest to let the world know that being greedy unethical son of a bitch is bad"
"Camping in a park is fun, let's go protest"
Incidentally this is the second year in the row that the Gutter Sluts have come dressed up in the same costume as another team. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hear some conspiracy talk last week about costume stealing.
Again we have a team that is not fully dressed up in Three Fingers Deep. It was a sad scene when I had to deny Dave his rightful free pitcher for a turkey. As an innocent bystander sub, Dave was the victim of some shoddy captaining. After I explained the rules, Dave did seem to cheer up as he walked away. All I heard was "I'm going to kick Mikey C in the balls so hard that he'll have to a tonsillectomy to get them removed.
Part II coming soon...
Monday, October 31, 2011
A Few Friendly Reminders
Surprisingly, bowling two balls at the same time is frowned upon at Westy's. Although I must admit that having to get bitched out by Westy's was a refreshing change from hearing you clowns bitch about the handicap system, neither are that enjoyable.
I'll probably start imposing beer penalties to the offending teams, just so I can hear more complaining.
Also, at the end of night clean your shit up. I know it's tough to lug your ball back to the rack, put a few plastic cups up on the railing and find me to turn in your scorecard, but failure to do these really only puts "personal hygiene" as a differentiator between our league and all the others.
I'll probably start imposing beer penalties to the offending teams, just so I can hear more complaining.
Also, at the end of night clean your shit up. I know it's tough to lug your ball back to the rack, put a few plastic cups up on the railing and find me to turn in your scorecard, but failure to do these really only puts "personal hygiene" as a differentiator between our league and all the others.
Standings After Week 5
Life at the top was too much to handle for I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter. The Gutter Sluts big 3 point night have them back on top (on total pins).
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Week 4 Newsletter
Bowlers,
We have past the half-way point of the regular season. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter (more on this team below) is threatening to lock up the no. 1 seed early and were seen earlier this week at Westy’s practicing their bowling with one hand firmly locked around their throat. I’m not sure that that is the best positive reinforcement, but provided they don’t choke badly over the next couple of weeks, they’ll be the team to beat on the Night of Champions. The good news is that regular season records mean nothing as long as you make it into the Championship Match.
This week, the marquee match up involves two teams chasing the Gutters. The back from the dead (and defending champions) Three Hole Enthusiasts vs. Gutter-Done. If either of these teams wins big tonight it will go a long ways towards securing one of the coveted top two seeds for the Night of Champions.
We have past the half-way point of the regular season. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter (more on this team below) is threatening to lock up the no. 1 seed early and were seen earlier this week at Westy’s practicing their bowling with one hand firmly locked around their throat. I’m not sure that that is the best positive reinforcement, but provided they don’t choke badly over the next couple of weeks, they’ll be the team to beat on the Night of Champions. The good news is that regular season records mean nothing as long as you make it into the Championship Match.
This week, the marquee match up involves two teams chasing the Gutters. The back from the dead (and defending champions) Three Hole Enthusiasts vs. Gutter-Done. If either of these teams wins big tonight it will go a long ways towards securing one of the coveted top two seeds for the Night of Champions.
Team Spotlight: I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
They’re in first place. They’re an expansion team. They look like they belong in a bowling alley about as much as a toothbrush vending machine. Who are I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter? The BFBL interns have been shadowing this team since the beginning and have finally filed their reports. To answer this question, the BFBL team spotlight falls on I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter:
Captain for the Gutters is Jenna Haener. Now, for those of you who have grown up in Boise, the last name Haener may ring a bell. When building her team in the offseason, Jenna first looked to that family. At Christmas dinner last year, Jenna took a bold course of action (for a female) and spoke at the dinner table. As tactfully as she could, Jenna broached the subject of forming a bowling team. Engaged in the fierce Haener tradition of “meat stacking”*, Jenna’s request was ignored by all but one of the Haener men. Jenna’s own husband, Tyler, volunteered and with that the Gutters signed their first player. Incidentally for her outburst, the Haeners, a family with no small children, have already planned for a Kids Table at Thanksgiving. The single place setting slated for that table will have ‘Jenna’ as it’s place card.
Once, Tyler was signed, he immediately suggested that his business partner Jason Fenwick would be a fine addition to the team. As a part of his signing, Jason had a proviso written into his contract that he and Tyler would not be available for practice until March 2011, so that they could dedicate enough time to get their graphic comic book about a superhero that uses the poetry of Emily Dickinson to fight crime, off the ground. Amazingly, “Crime & Poetishment” published its first issue in February of this year. Without giving away too much of the storyline, following the exploits of moonlighting librarian ‘M’ as she subdues a gang of murderers by reading them enchanting prose is quite a read.
With half the team set Jenna, went to the streets to recruit the other half. Testing the old adage that you can’t swing a cat in Boise without hitting a Mooney, Jenna headed to the animal shelter. Arriving right in the middle of a Crazy Cat Lady mentoring session, Jenna picked up the nearest tabby, swung it over her head a couple of times and let it fly. After the shrieking and cries of animal cruelty subsided, the lucky young women crazy cat mentee holding the cat was none other than Katie Mooney. Sensing that bowling and hoarding large numbers of cats share a similar ‘shut in’ community, Katie jumped at the chance to become a Gutter.
Filling out the final female spot for her team led Jenna to the Little Italy section of Boise. There in the kitchen of the Old Spaghetti Factory, Jenna first spotted Amy Tomasini. In a bit of recruiting genius, Jenna correctly surmised that since bowling isn’t exactly the national sport of Italy, Amy would need an alternative motive to join. Jenna quickly changed a 12 team bowling league to a 12 ‘Family’ dispute, glossed over anything to do with bowling, handed Amy a switchblade and told her that every Thursday, somebody will be wearing shoes as comfortable as cement. That left Jenna with one spot to fill.
That last spot proved to be very difficult. Jenna scoured bowling alleys, taverns, AA meetings and soup kitchens before finally stooping to Craigslist. After sifting through posts for the P90X workout DVDs and Bronco football tickets she hit upon a post to join a Fantasy Bowling League. Calling the number listed Jenna got through to the commissioner of the Boise Fantasy Bowling League, Scott Whipps. It took an entire afternoon where Scott outlined the rules, participants, draft and buy-in of his league before Jenna could get a word in edgewise. She then made a critical mistake and asked a question. Asking if there was such a thing as a professional bowler, set Scott off on a hour long sermon. Claiming that people travel the country and bowl for dozens of dollars each week, Jenna found her in. Convincing Scott that joining her team would be a stepping stone to move out of his Mom’s basement and get his shot at joining the roaming band of ‘Professional’ bowlers finally filled her last spot.
Ladies and Gentleman, your 2011 I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter
*From Wikipedia: Meat Stacking Rules. The Prussian family tradition of Meat Stacking combines a celebration of a bountiful year and the ideal that Prussian men should be able to endure tremendous amounts of pain. Traditional rules had the young men of a Prussian family placing a thin slice of mutton on their head, while the father stomped on each of their feet. Those men who did not let the meat fall to the ground and did not breakout in tears, then put an additional piece of mutton on their head, while their father moved up to kick each in the shin. Meat continued to be stacked in this matter as the father moved up the body (charley horse, balls, shot to gut, etc). The last young man standing was rewarded with a special place in the family hierarchy for the coming year and was given first choice of the sliced mutton.
Prussian émigrés to America often substitute slices of beef roast, ham or turkey in place of mutton and is often celebrated during Christmas dinner.
Captain for the Gutters is Jenna Haener. Now, for those of you who have grown up in Boise, the last name Haener may ring a bell. When building her team in the offseason, Jenna first looked to that family. At Christmas dinner last year, Jenna took a bold course of action (for a female) and spoke at the dinner table. As tactfully as she could, Jenna broached the subject of forming a bowling team. Engaged in the fierce Haener tradition of “meat stacking”*, Jenna’s request was ignored by all but one of the Haener men. Jenna’s own husband, Tyler, volunteered and with that the Gutters signed their first player. Incidentally for her outburst, the Haeners, a family with no small children, have already planned for a Kids Table at Thanksgiving. The single place setting slated for that table will have ‘Jenna’ as it’s place card.
Once, Tyler was signed, he immediately suggested that his business partner Jason Fenwick would be a fine addition to the team. As a part of his signing, Jason had a proviso written into his contract that he and Tyler would not be available for practice until March 2011, so that they could dedicate enough time to get their graphic comic book about a superhero that uses the poetry of Emily Dickinson to fight crime, off the ground. Amazingly, “Crime & Poetishment” published its first issue in February of this year. Without giving away too much of the storyline, following the exploits of moonlighting librarian ‘M’ as she subdues a gang of murderers by reading them enchanting prose is quite a read.
With half the team set Jenna, went to the streets to recruit the other half. Testing the old adage that you can’t swing a cat in Boise without hitting a Mooney, Jenna headed to the animal shelter. Arriving right in the middle of a Crazy Cat Lady mentoring session, Jenna picked up the nearest tabby, swung it over her head a couple of times and let it fly. After the shrieking and cries of animal cruelty subsided, the lucky young women crazy cat mentee holding the cat was none other than Katie Mooney. Sensing that bowling and hoarding large numbers of cats share a similar ‘shut in’ community, Katie jumped at the chance to become a Gutter.
Filling out the final female spot for her team led Jenna to the Little Italy section of Boise. There in the kitchen of the Old Spaghetti Factory, Jenna first spotted Amy Tomasini. In a bit of recruiting genius, Jenna correctly surmised that since bowling isn’t exactly the national sport of Italy, Amy would need an alternative motive to join. Jenna quickly changed a 12 team bowling league to a 12 ‘Family’ dispute, glossed over anything to do with bowling, handed Amy a switchblade and told her that every Thursday, somebody will be wearing shoes as comfortable as cement. That left Jenna with one spot to fill.
That last spot proved to be very difficult. Jenna scoured bowling alleys, taverns, AA meetings and soup kitchens before finally stooping to Craigslist. After sifting through posts for the P90X workout DVDs and Bronco football tickets she hit upon a post to join a Fantasy Bowling League. Calling the number listed Jenna got through to the commissioner of the Boise Fantasy Bowling League, Scott Whipps. It took an entire afternoon where Scott outlined the rules, participants, draft and buy-in of his league before Jenna could get a word in edgewise. She then made a critical mistake and asked a question. Asking if there was such a thing as a professional bowler, set Scott off on a hour long sermon. Claiming that people travel the country and bowl for dozens of dollars each week, Jenna found her in. Convincing Scott that joining her team would be a stepping stone to move out of his Mom’s basement and get his shot at joining the roaming band of ‘Professional’ bowlers finally filled her last spot.
Ladies and Gentleman, your 2011 I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter
*From Wikipedia: Meat Stacking Rules. The Prussian family tradition of Meat Stacking combines a celebration of a bountiful year and the ideal that Prussian men should be able to endure tremendous amounts of pain. Traditional rules had the young men of a Prussian family placing a thin slice of mutton on their head, while the father stomped on each of their feet. Those men who did not let the meat fall to the ground and did not breakout in tears, then put an additional piece of mutton on their head, while their father moved up to kick each in the shin. Meat continued to be stacked in this matter as the father moved up the body (charley horse, balls, shot to gut, etc). The last young man standing was rewarded with a special place in the family hierarchy for the coming year and was given first choice of the sliced mutton.
Prussian émigrés to America often substitute slices of beef roast, ham or turkey in place of mutton and is often celebrated during Christmas dinner.
Monday, October 24, 2011
A Quick Look Back...
Halloween Night is Thursday. I dug up a couple of old pictures to get people inspired. Enjoy.
TMP Anyone?
The "Not So Hot Karls"
The Week 4 Newsletter is being compiled (complete with our first expansion team spotlight) from the league writers.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Week 4 Results
An expansion team has landed in 1st. No wonder so many people have been bitching to me about the handicap system.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Week 3 Newsletter
With only a few hours to go before the pins will start to fall, I know many of you might be reading this on your smartphones while your nerve racked body compels you to make one last trip to the bathroom.
This week, the new number ones, the Gutter Sluts have a tough match against the Forkin’ Balls to remain at the top of heap. One thing that Forkin’ has in its favor is that Slut captain Frank Grinnell will return to action this week. Frank has only bowled in one of the first three weeks this season. That that week corresponds with the Sluts only dropped point really isn’t a coincidence. The Sluts won there only BFBL league title before Frank was brought on board. His subsequently orchestrated a coup within the team and installed himself as captain. Since then the Sluts have struggled to stay relevant.
The Red Sox had the curse of the Bambino
The Cubs have the curse of the Billy Goat
The Gutter Sluts have the curse of Frank
For you ghost chaser / supernatural / curse buster types out there, I recommend you schedule some time with Dana. The Sluts curse is pretty much the same curse that’s been following her around since her wedding day 8 years ago.
The line in Jackpot for this match has the Sluts dropping 2 of the 3 points to Forkin’ Balls as they begin their annual autumn slide down the standings.
The other match up to watch this evening is second place I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter vs. 5th place Three Fingers Deep. 2 vs. 5 isn’t exactly Alabama – LSU, but in this case, the Three Fingers will be without Mikey C. As many of you know anytime Mikey misses a week of bowling (or any event for that matter) the chances for success skyrocket.
Finally, a reminder that next Thursday the Beer Frame Bowling League will be celebrating Halloween. Each team is required to show up in costume. Additionally, you are expected to be able to bowl in that costume. So if Donny is planning to go in all body paint as an elephant he will be expected to bowl in body paint (and bowling shoes) all night. Not even when I bribe Westy’s to jack up the AC so that his ‘trunk’ shrinks, will Donny be exempt from this requirement. A couple of other things that don’t qualify as in costume:
Coming as an anonymous bowling team (coming as a famous bowling team would be acceptable, but then again so would coming as a bunch of unicorns)
Frat boy / Dave Mathews Band Fan - I call this one the Leif, but if you show up in sweatshirt and baseball hat, prepare for the wrath of your team.
Any team (subs included) that is not fully in costume will have an extremely difficult time earning free beer.
Bring your dues if you haven’t already.
Captains, make sure you rosters are full.
See everybody in a few hours..
Friday, October 14, 2011
Week 3 Results
The Gutter Sluts are all alone in 1st. Making the gutter a pretty sweet place to be. Will they still be after their match in week 4 against Forkin' Balls?
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Have A Sub?
Just a message to the team captains about subs. If you have a sub, they must be entered into the computer before you start bowling your first game. Your team members that are not bowling that night must be ‘removed’ and then the subs name added (if they’ve subbed before they should be in the computer to look up). Do not just ‘rename’ the existing bowler as it will apply the handicap for that bowler to your game (and cause a big pain in the ass). Pretty much everything on the computer start with Q uncia button. From there you can follow the on-screen instructions.
Week 2 Newsletter
Well its official, the handicap system has evened out the playing field. It has also caused some confusion. I expect that things will get smoother over the next couple of weeks. One thing to remember, if you have a sub or team member that hasn’t yet bowled this year, their handicap will not be calculated and added to your teams totals until after the matches are finished. So, for the first few weeks, some teams might be surprised by the outcome when a freshly calculated handicap swings a game one way or the other.
Looking over the standings, the biggest surprise has to be the Three Hole Enthusiasts sitting at .500. League reporters we sent to do some investigative journalism on what has been holding the defending champions down.
Below is their report.
Have the Three Holes lost it?
It’s no secret around the alley that the defending champions are easy pickings in the early going this year. Rumors abound to explain this quick fall from world beaters. Some of these rumors; such as belly fat injections to lower the center of gravity have dogged the Three Holes for years. Others; such as OD'ing on Rogaine and teeth whitening bleach have cropped up seemingly out of nowhere.
After spending a week at the Three Hole headquarters, it is clear the breakdown has been a collection of short comings by each player. A flare up of Slaughter’s chronic Crabs, have forced him to grow out his fingernails in an effort to conquer the incessant itching. The new longer claws have affected his touch on the ball. Renae Walter added tennis to her off season conditioning program this past off season. Determined to master the forehand in tennis has altered Renae’s arm path. Instead of “answering the phone” she is now trying to “slap that ass” a little too much. Kevin Walter is just flat out depressed after the latest Apple announcement only resulted in an Iphone 4S. Matt Wolff might be in the most trouble and least likely to rebound. His years long addiction to Amish porn has left his right hand a withered claw and his hips woefully misaligned. Molly White has fallen for the trappings of celebrity that champions are afforded at Westy’s. Riding in taxis with Rich (the bald Westy’s front desk honcho), the disdain for oral hygiene, and rows upon rows of shoes can be hard to resist for some once they get their foot in the door. Finally, last year’s saving grace Brandi Conner-Day, should be about ready to call her social experiment for hyphenated names resulting in superior bowling skills a failure.
The feeling around the Three Holes team headquarters is that they aren’t out of it yet, but that they need to start righting the ship starting in Week 3. That, and it would be nice if Slaughter could stop constantly scratching his junk.
Captains make sure you have a full roster. Bring in your dues if you haven’t already.
See everybody at the alley.
Looking over the standings, the biggest surprise has to be the Three Hole Enthusiasts sitting at .500. League reporters we sent to do some investigative journalism on what has been holding the defending champions down.
Below is their report.
Have the Three Holes lost it?
It’s no secret around the alley that the defending champions are easy pickings in the early going this year. Rumors abound to explain this quick fall from world beaters. Some of these rumors; such as belly fat injections to lower the center of gravity have dogged the Three Holes for years. Others; such as OD'ing on Rogaine and teeth whitening bleach have cropped up seemingly out of nowhere.
After spending a week at the Three Hole headquarters, it is clear the breakdown has been a collection of short comings by each player. A flare up of Slaughter’s chronic Crabs, have forced him to grow out his fingernails in an effort to conquer the incessant itching. The new longer claws have affected his touch on the ball. Renae Walter added tennis to her off season conditioning program this past off season. Determined to master the forehand in tennis has altered Renae’s arm path. Instead of “answering the phone” she is now trying to “slap that ass” a little too much. Kevin Walter is just flat out depressed after the latest Apple announcement only resulted in an Iphone 4S. Matt Wolff might be in the most trouble and least likely to rebound. His years long addiction to Amish porn has left his right hand a withered claw and his hips woefully misaligned. Molly White has fallen for the trappings of celebrity that champions are afforded at Westy’s. Riding in taxis with Rich (the bald Westy’s front desk honcho), the disdain for oral hygiene, and rows upon rows of shoes can be hard to resist for some once they get their foot in the door. Finally, last year’s saving grace Brandi Conner-Day, should be about ready to call her social experiment for hyphenated names resulting in superior bowling skills a failure.
The feeling around the Three Holes team headquarters is that they aren’t out of it yet, but that they need to start righting the ship starting in Week 3. That, and it would be nice if Slaughter could stop constantly scratching his junk.
Captains make sure you have a full roster. Bring in your dues if you haven’t already.
See everybody at the alley.
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