Kids, it is the night you look forward to all year on the calendar. That’s right, tonight is the Night of Champions Eve. Tomorrow at the hallowed grounds of Westy’s Bowling Alley and Germatorium yet another BFBL Champion will be crowned.
A quick note for newbies and those that killed off some select brain cells in the past year. On the Night of Champions, everybody bowls. The #1 seed will play the #2 seed, 3 vs. 4, etc. The matches will be winner take all. Throw out the regular season records and pin totals. Win tomorrow night and go into the off season with the sweet smell of fried food (and victory) encircling your nostrils.
The match previews for the Night of Champions are as follows:
Championship Match: The Gutter Sluts v. Gutter-Done
The Gutter Sluts are gunning for their 2nd league title, while the Gutter-done is looking for their first. The big question will be if Gutter-Done’s will be able to withstand the crucible of pressure that comes with bowling for a BFBL title. For the Gutter Sluts, their return to the top came out of nowhere. Mired in years of internal turmoil, roster turnover and general mediocrity, somehow the Sluts have managed to put together a dream run this season.
3rd Place Match: The Hot Karls v. Three Hole Enthusiasts
For the 4th year in a row, the Karls the Three Holes meet on the Night of Champions. The previous three resulted in the winner claiming the BFBL championship. This time it will be for good old fashion pride. It is also a clash of cultures; The Hot Karls define themselves as a well groomed, good looking, bowling juggernaut. The Three Holes on the other hand, are a disheveled, slovenly collection that most people just assume live in a van down by the river.
5th Place Match: The Lickety Splits v. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter
The Lickety Splits have shot up the standings this year and I think it can be attributed to the additions of two new members. Chris and Emily Allen brought much needed elite level bowling alley experience to the Splits this year. They actual met in a bowling alley. Emily was the jr. cocktail waitress at the Chalet Lanes in Tacoma WA. Chris was a down on his luck drifter hanging out at the front counter, addicted to the shoe sterilizing spray. After a whirlwind romance consisting mostly of Chris grabbing Emily’s ass as she passed by and Emily smuggling out used cans of ShoeStink 3000 for Chris to huff, they settled down. After shacking up, Emily made some internet history as she became the first prostitute to offer a Groupon. With the overwhelming Groupon response, Chris found himself with more free time than ever. It was with that extra free time, that Chris found an engagement ring for Emily as he was dumpster diving for more ShoeStink.
For I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter, this will be their last chance to stop their mid season free fall.
7th Place Match: Forkin’ Balls v. Kum Ichi Mi Ballz
In the battle of the Balls, whose will come out as the biggest? For the Forks, a win would be an up note to an up and down first season. For Kum Ichi, it will be yet another chapter in their quest to answer two of life’s most fundamental questions: 1. How much beer can I drink without throwing 20 straight gutter balls? 2. How does Jake have so many dollar bills while still keeping his pants on?
9th Place Match: Sore Dicks v. Three Fingers Deep
Sore Dick captain Jerret has excitedly been telling his patients all week, that his team is bowling for 9th place. It’s a wonder that he has any patients left. The only thing people hate more than a loser is a loser celebrating a grasp for mediocrity. For Three Fingers Deep, it’s the same old story. It appears that even when he’s not on the Tequila, captain Mikey C, still has his work cut out for him.
DFL Match: Stop Looking at Our Balls v. Bowl Movement
Nothing to preview here. This is sucks vs. uber-sucks
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