They’re in first place. They’re an expansion team. They look like they belong in a bowling alley about as much as a toothbrush vending machine. Who are I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter? The BFBL interns have been shadowing this team since the beginning and have finally filed their reports. To answer this question, the BFBL team spotlight falls on I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter:
Captain for the Gutters is Jenna Haener. Now, for those of you who have grown up in Boise, the last name Haener may ring a bell. When building her team in the offseason, Jenna first looked to that family. At Christmas dinner last year, Jenna took a bold course of action (for a female) and spoke at the dinner table. As tactfully as she could, Jenna broached the subject of forming a bowling team. Engaged in the fierce Haener tradition of “meat stacking”*, Jenna’s request was ignored by all but one of the Haener men. Jenna’s own husband, Tyler, volunteered and with that the Gutters signed their first player. Incidentally for her outburst, the Haeners, a family with no small children, have already planned for a Kids Table at Thanksgiving. The single place setting slated for that table will have ‘Jenna’ as it’s place card.
Once, Tyler was signed, he immediately suggested that his business partner Jason Fenwick would be a fine addition to the team. As a part of his signing, Jason had a proviso written into his contract that he and Tyler would not be available for practice until March 2011, so that they could dedicate enough time to get their graphic comic book about a superhero that uses the poetry of Emily Dickinson to fight crime, off the ground. Amazingly, “Crime & Poetishment” published its first issue in February of this year. Without giving away too much of the storyline, following the exploits of moonlighting librarian ‘M’ as she subdues a gang of murderers by reading them enchanting prose is quite a read.
With half the team set Jenna, went to the streets to recruit the other half. Testing the old adage that you can’t swing a cat in Boise without hitting a Mooney, Jenna headed to the animal shelter. Arriving right in the middle of a Crazy Cat Lady mentoring session, Jenna picked up the nearest tabby, swung it over her head a couple of times and let it fly. After the shrieking and cries of animal cruelty subsided, the lucky young women crazy cat mentee holding the cat was none other than Katie Mooney. Sensing that bowling and hoarding large numbers of cats share a similar ‘shut in’ community, Katie jumped at the chance to become a Gutter.
Filling out the final female spot for her team led Jenna to the Little Italy section of Boise. There in the kitchen of the Old Spaghetti Factory, Jenna first spotted Amy Tomasini. In a bit of recruiting genius, Jenna correctly surmised that since bowling isn’t exactly the national sport of Italy, Amy would need an alternative motive to join. Jenna quickly changed a 12 team bowling league to a 12 ‘Family’ dispute, glossed over anything to do with bowling, handed Amy a switchblade and told her that every Thursday, somebody will be wearing shoes as comfortable as cement. That left Jenna with one spot to fill.
That last spot proved to be very difficult. Jenna scoured bowling alleys, taverns, AA meetings and soup kitchens before finally stooping to Craigslist. After sifting through posts for the P90X workout DVDs and Bronco football tickets she hit upon a post to join a Fantasy Bowling League. Calling the number listed Jenna got through to the commissioner of the Boise Fantasy Bowling League, Scott Whipps. It took an entire afternoon where Scott outlined the rules, participants, draft and buy-in of his league before Jenna could get a word in edgewise. She then made a critical mistake and asked a question. Asking if there was such a thing as a professional bowler, set Scott off on a hour long sermon. Claiming that people travel the country and bowl for dozens of dollars each week, Jenna found her in. Convincing Scott that joining her team would be a stepping stone to move out of his Mom’s basement and get his shot at joining the roaming band of ‘Professional’ bowlers finally filled her last spot.
Ladies and Gentleman, your 2011 I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter
*From Wikipedia: Meat Stacking Rules. The Prussian family tradition of Meat Stacking combines a celebration of a bountiful year and the ideal that Prussian men should be able to endure tremendous amounts of pain. Traditional rules had the young men of a Prussian family placing a thin slice of mutton on their head, while the father stomped on each of their feet. Those men who did not let the meat fall to the ground and did not breakout in tears, then put an additional piece of mutton on their head, while their father moved up to kick each in the shin. Meat continued to be stacked in this matter as the father moved up the body (charley horse, balls, shot to gut, etc). The last young man standing was rewarded with a special place in the family hierarchy for the coming year and was given first choice of the sliced mutton.
Prussian émigrés to America often substitute slices of beef roast, ham or turkey in place of mutton and is often celebrated during Christmas dinner.
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