The Night of Champions: Match Preview

First off a very important note.  Some seasons the Turkeys come so fast and furious that the league coffers are depleted before the final night.  We have reached that point (almost) for this season.  If you are holding a free pitcher coupon they will still be good for Thursday night.  However no new beer tickets will be issued during the Night of Champions.

Now on to the NOC match previews.

Championship match:

The Gutter Sluts vs. Glory Bowl

The Gutter Sluts are trying to repeat as champions and claim their 4th overall BFBL championship.  Opposing them will be a Glory Bowl team paced by Bill Baldry's unfathomable 186 average.  I've heard grumblings that this should be renamed the Sandbagger Championship match or perhaps the How the Hell are those teams winning. They must be cheating Championship match.  Comments like that must just be sour grapes.  No substantial allegations on either team have ever been reported to the league office.  In fact, Dan Twiss of the Sluts was just conferred a doctorate degree from BSU after he presented his brilliant thesis titled "How to Game the Bowling Handicap System" to school regents.


The 3rd Place Match

The Hot Karls vs. Stop Looking At Our Balls

This match pits two of the oldest BFBL franchises against each other.  For the Karl's frustration is starting to set in.  Captain Tom conceded that the switch to a European video of an actual hot Karl might not have had the motivational effect he was looking for.  "I thought that the authenticity would be important, but maybe the German dialogue just couldn't get the message across."  I'm not sure the answer lies in the language of the motivation video the Karl captain screens at the beginning of each season though.  This year's version produced the same amount of vomiting as in previous years.  For Stop Looking 3rd place would be a dream come true.  Not a dream any of them want to relive, but a dream none the less.


The 5th Place Match

Sore Dicks vs. Money Balls

Bowling in the 5th place match is a high water mark for the Dicks.  I'm sure the fact that captain Jerret missed a few weeks has nothing to do with this surprising result.  For Money Balls first season there is mixed feelings.  Self proclaimed team mom Sarah Marshall has seen this as a positive and often cheers on her teammates with Stuart Smalley like platitudes.  On the other side of the spectrum, self proclaimed team prick Lance Ritchie spends most of the practice week yelling at his teammates and telling them they suck. 

The 7th Place Match

Gutter Done vs. Forkin Balls

This is a matchup of two teams that failed to meet expectations this season.  For Forkin' Balls, away from the alley drama involving two newborns, lack of sleep and a new found apathy towards most things in life that do not involve child rearing have dulled this teams edge.  For Gutter Done, the step back was when no team member took a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  One has to wonder what the future holds for these once up and coming franchises.


The 9th Place Match

The Late Comers vs. I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter

There is no truth to the rumor that I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter was thinking of changing their name to "I Can't Believe There's a 9th place match".  Some believe that this is the Curse of not Wearing a Halloween costume come home to roost.  For the Late Comers finishing 9th would be something to build on for next year.  Since they are an expansion team any finish would probably fit into that description, but hey you have to start somewhere.

DFL Match

Moustachio Balls vs. Cheenkz & Crackez

Usually this is the Sucks versus Really Sucks match and that still holds true for the Moustachio's.  For the Cheenkz though, a look at the numbers reveal a different story.  This year the Cheenkz have rolled the highest game and series totals without handicaps and with all 6 bowlers sporting averages north of 100, the case could be made that they have run into a string of bad luck.  Of course nobody would really listen to that case, but it might be a nice change from the complaining about handicaps discussion.