Quick Tutorial: Billy Dee Williams

Kids, this one if aimed at you.  I've gotten a surprising number of blank stares this year when handing out the free beer card with Billy Dee Williams on it.  I would have thought that if you didn't know who Billy Dee was, then you wouldn't be old enough to drink beer in the first place.  Apparently, the seasons having been rolling by a little quicker than I had realized.  So, it's time to transport your mind back to a time when things like the internet didn't even exist in Bill Gates wet dreams. 

William December "Billy Dee" Williams Jr. was a handsome black actor born on April 6, 1937.  I point out the middle part only because back in the seventies and eighties you could count on one hand the number of African Americans that were cast in movies and on TV.  During the early 70's Billy Dee came to prominence working in several Blaxploitation movies (Although Billy Dee didn't appear in any of these, Shaft, Cleopatra Jones and Dolomite are all fine examples of the genre). 

It was his appearance in the 1980 Star Wars film "The Empire Strikes Back" that really brought Billy Dee fame.  Playing the dashing good guy / scumbag Lando Calrissian:

 
Its his role in the most successful film franchise of all time that made Billy Dee a star.  At that time in this country that means that you now get to pitch products.  Which brings us to one of the greatest commercials of all time.  Once you get past the fact that at one time (before the micro brew booms of the mid 90's and late 00's), malt liquor was actually advertised on TV as a legitimate alcoholic refreshment choice, then the real questions start.  I can only urge you to click the link below and take a couple of viewings to really digest all this is going on in this spot.

http://youtu.be/uHtT0x6_MDM 

Team Spotlight: The Late Comers

Die Hard Bowlers,

I mentioned in a previous post that we have a tradition here at the BFBL to put the spotlight on our expansion teams.  Usually this is done much earlier in the year, but this year the league office was consumed with some eligibility questions.  As you know the BFBL offers some of the finest amateur bowling competition north of Glenwood and east of Chinden.  As such, a spot in our league is quite coveted and we must be ever vigilant for professional bowlers masquerading and amateurs.  It is a job the league office takes very seriously to project the integrity of the league (and to keep the BFBL bar tab in check).  So, when these were uncovered shortly after The Late Comers entered the league..

all the league's front office resources were put on alert to investigate the status of these "amateur bowlers".  (As a side note, if you didn't get a chance bowl the Late Comers this year, the bowling cards are dead ringers for four of the team members.  That includes Colter, who at the age of 25 is still waiting for this puberty thing to kick in).

A sampling of the back of these bowling cards was the first clue, that the league may have had it's first breach of the amateur clause that is stated quite clearly in its bylaws.  Below is just a sample:

Jake Tucker - Once rolled exactly 300 over a three game set.  The three identical scores of 100 ranked as the highlight of Jake's life.

Kelsey Merida -  Was propositioned a record 22 weeks in a row by the Shriner's over 80 bowling league.  It turns out that two bits doesn't go as far as it did during the Taft administration.

Colter Kamo - Recently graduated to using an 8 pound ball as the 25 year old finally cracked the 45 pound mark in the bench press.

Matt Maneely - Calls his ball the Green Beetle.  Was recently released from the Fruitland Psychiatric Hospital after treatment for having a condition called bowling psychosis (also was treated for an addiction to bowling alley skanks that can only open one eyelid). 

It's tough to imagine anything so spectacular being said about regular amateur bowlers. 

Added to the bowling card evidence, the remaining two Late Comers, Kelsey Crockett, and Katie Johnson have one of the most unusual tattoos that the league has ever seen.  Description won't do it justice, but imagine a tramp stamp spread across two lower backs standing side by side.  Both halves together complete a triangle that is complete with 10 bowling pins.  As if that weren't enough further down on Katie is another tattoo of a black bowling ball.  I'll let you figure out exactly what body part was covered / used to provide some very realistic detail on the ball.

All of this added together made the league office very suspicious about the status of the Late Comers as a team.

It was only when the BFBL league accountant informed the investigative team that the Late Comers check hadn't bounced that a ruling was reached that allowed the Late Comers to bowl.

The Night of Champions (& a few reminders)

Bowlers,

The Night of Champions is next week.  I'm sure those of you new to the league are wondering what in the hell is the Night of Champions.  Well, in addition to being the night to crown the league champion for 2013, it is a wondrous night filled with enough spectacle and pageantry that last year the Garden City Tribune compared it to the Mecolies (the Mexican equivalent of the daytime Emmy awards) & the Canadian baseball playoffs all rolled into one.  It's really one of those things that's hard to explain and you have to experience to truly appreciate.  Kind of like going to the dentist. 

A few things to keep in mind for the Night of Champions.  The matches pit #1 vs. #2, #3 vs. #4 and so on.  The are also winner take all.  So, no matter how much you've sucked all year, hope remains to move up in the final standings.

Over the years the Night of Champions has really marked the start of the holiday season.


Now even though we only have two weeks left in the season, there are a couple of reminders.
- Make sure you turn your scorecards / clipboards in to to me at the end of the night (after writing down your scores)
- The Westy's employees enjoy handling used bowling shoes about as much as you do.  They request that you untie them before turning them in.
- Clean up after yourselves.  That includes putting your ball back on the rack and your food baskets / cups.  The last couple of weeks it has looked like a Homeless camp had just left to go dumpster diving.
- Tip your waitress  (I've actually never had a complaint about this one, so thank you to everybody)

Team Spotlight: Money Balls

It's tradition here at the Beer Frame Bowling League to publish a little piece that allows all the league members to get past the menacing veneers that come with amateur bowlers and get to know the people and teams behind the competition.  With that our first expansion team spotlight falls on Money Balls.

Originally, Money Balls considered the name Ritchie, Marshall & Flynn to account for all the team members last names.  Without the same ring of Crosby, Stills and Nash, the name was quickly replaced.  Version 2 was Ritchie Marshal (feat. Flynn).  Although this had a more hip hop vibe, the team quickly realized that just because every hip hop artist uses it, doesn't mean its not stupid.  On the third try, the team simply took a vote on their favorite things.  I'm told the ballots came back with 5 votes for "balls" and 1 for "money".

Usually the team spotlight focuses on how the team was assembled and the personalities and locales of each member.  In the Money Balls case however, they came as a package deal.  Oddly, forming a bowling team wasn't their original intention.  Team captain Lance only ever wanted to make money (making his vote for balls as his favorite thing a little curious).  So, all of his interactions, relationships and jobs have been pursued with that singular goal.  Over the years, Lance has connected with the other 5 members of Money Balls because they also shared his passion.

They've been together so long now that nobody can remember how it all began.  However they can all recite their previous failed ventures together.  Kaitlyn talked about the time they attempted to sell advertising space on kids diapers to liquor and beer companies.  Somehow seeing a picture of a bottle of Black Velvet on a toddler's bottom didn't drive much in sales.  Blake's favorite was the time they opened a shop to customize senior citizens Rascals.  Turns out not many seniors wanted a wicked cool spoiler on their motorized carts.  Chad and Sarah Marshall both agree that their personal favorite was the shoes they developed that had a smart phone storage compartment built right into the heel.  Gorilla glass or not it turns out there is no stopping the destruction our nations obesity epidemic can inflict.  Finally, Erin Flynn counts the failed Mail retrieval service the group offered.  Not only did this one end up being against the law, people in this country haven't yet gotten lazy enough to start paying strangers to walk your mail from your mailbox to your front door.

Despite their previous failures everybody is dead certain that the Beer Frame Bowling League will be their path to riches.

Welcome to the league Money Balls. 

It might be time to mention that the league champion is awarded no money.

Match of the Week: The Gutter Sluts vs. Gutt-er Done

Wow, we are already at the final week of the regular season.  We have a lot of to cover, so there should be several more posts today and tomorrow.  Let's start with the Match of the Week.

Tomorrow night the 2nd place and defending champion Gutter Sluts vs. Gutt-er Done.  Both teams are trying to move into position to bowl for the league championship during next week's Night of Champions. 

In the pre-handicap era, this would look like a one sided match.  With one exception, Gutt-er Done carries higher handicaps than all of the Sluts.  As it stands though, the age of BFBL parity has granted both teams a somewhat equal chance of winning. 

To leapfrog the Gutter Sluts and make the championship match Gutt-er done is going to need all three points tomorrow night.  A visit to the Gutt-er Done practice facility has revealed no change to the Gutt-er Done practice week routine.  Also, it appears that Gutt-er Done captain Donny is suffering no ill effects from his attempted David Lee Roth celebration kick injury last week.

Week 4 Results

Beer Frame Bowling: Halloween Night

Well the BFBL once again did their parents proud on Halloween night.  Before we get into the team pictures, I think we can all agree that this is the scariest costume of the evening. 

 

 

On the other hand, this is the lamest costume of the night:

To be fair, I think the CHiPs outfits are top notch.  The issue is that these are the only two representatives of I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter to dress up.  For shame Gutters....

Now one with the team pics.  In the battle of the TV Shows:
It's Duck Dynasty

Vs. Duck Dynasty

Vs. Mad Men

Somewhat related and very created were the insurance company spokesmen/women/animals

I have to say this one scored high in the fictional originality category, but in the end it came up just a little short to this:

Lambda, Lamda, Lamda & Omega Mu's.  I realize that we may have some bowlers who have never seen Revenge of the Nerds and may not be able to appreciate this costume.  If that is the case, all I can say is, "What the hell is wrong with you".  Bypass the urge to watch the entire TMZ video catalogue and use the amazing ability to watch movies on demand anytime and anywhere to view this classic story of Jocks vs. Nerds the next time you go to see a man about a horse.

While you're at it, start streaming the Goonies as well (Probably not in the same sitting though.  You're legs will fall asleep)

Moving on, the winner of the Honey Badger award that capitalized on the latest internet craze involving animals; What Does the Fox Say?

If you haven't seen this video, google it.  I've seen it and though I can't speak for the fox, I remember that my first words were; "shoot me".

Now, I think we have now extended the streak of a team dressing as Mormons.

I'll admit to getting a laugh out of this one every year.  I have always wondered if anybody at Westy's got offended by this outfit.  After talking with the staff, they informed that most Mormons view bowling as a form of gambling and aren't usually found in bowling alleys.  They did caution that that rule doesn't apply to places like Big Al's because it's located in a strip mall with plenty of parking.  Apparently deep in the book of Mormon is a passage that states as long of you don't have to pay for parking, parallel park or enter a building built before 1985, anything goes.


Rounding out our final teams in the Thinker Category are:

The Cat and the Hats &

White Trash and Super Hero

Finally, in case you have somehow been able to put that first picture out of your mind, Miley and Teddy Bears.

Happy Halloween everybody