Welcome To The Internet!

Bowlers,

What you are now viewing is called a website.  These are usually accessed through a web browser and most likely can be viewed on the smart device that is currently sitting in your pocket.  You know the one that has the selfie of your undercarriage on it.

So, now as you're probably thinking, why am I getting an internet 101 lecture, I thought it would be a good time to provide everybody an exclusive behind the scenes look at running a bowling league.  In the grander sense, it also sheds some light on the ongoing sociology study that it trying to answer the question; Who hangs out in bowling alleys anyway?.

I digress though.  Since the inception of the Beer Frame Bowling League 9 years ago, I can pretty much count on the same questions coming up on a weekly basis.  Now, I'm happy to provide to answers, as I view it as part of my self styled job description.  In addition to being able to predict the questions, I can also pretty much guarantee the response to the answers.  Usually it runs between; "I didn't read the email" or "I don't have the website link". 

Since we've progressed as a species to the point where pretty much everybody has the internet with them at all times and the fact that shares in Google just topped $1000 a share based largely on internet searching technology, I can only draw two conclusions from these excuses.

1. I am too lazy to ready anything over 10 words.
2. I actually don't now how to read.

Of course if you are looking at this post, there is still hope for you.  I can't help if you skipped reading class in grades K-12, but if you're in bucket number 1, I can offer a few helpful hints to make sure you don't lose track of the website address.

- Add the address to your internet browser's 'favorites'
- Never close your web browser or turn off your computer / mobile device
- Don't navigate to any other web pages

Week 1 Standings

Well bowlers, week 1 is in the books and we are off and running.

 

First off a few housekeeping items:

 

Yes, handicaps are in effect this year.  As a reminder, they are supposed to level the playing field between bowlers of different skill levels.  No, I still haven't taken the time to figure out how they are calculated.

 

 Also, since we are taking Thursday the 31st off for Halloween, the league's annual Halloween night will be moved up a week.  So, make sure you spend a few brain cells getting your costume ideas together.  As always this includes any subs you may have bowling for you that evening.  If you are new to the league, you can check previous posts on the website for past Halloween nights.  The short of it is that your team including subs is required to dress in costume.  You are also required to bowl in that costume.  The penalty for non compliance is no free beer that evening for your entire team.

 

Finally a reminder that you alternate lanes during your games.  That means that you will bowl one turn on the left hand lane and switch over to the right hand lane for your next turn.  If your team has fallen off the pace it is possible for a team to have bowlers on both lanes at any one time. 

 

In actual bowling news the high scores for the men were: Bill Baldry, Tyler Haener and TJ Oelker all bowled a 183.  Those are pretty lofty scores for members of this league and I know that Westy's doesn't allow anybody over 12 to use the bumpers, so the only thing I can think of is that these three hired this guy to take care of any "extra" pins:

 

On the ladies side Heidi Trebesch rolled a 148.  I had heard rumors that Heidi had been spending a lot of time at the alley this offseason.  Actually the rumor was Heidi went crazy and chose the alley to hand out in so that she'd blend in.  Either way it appears that she at least had enough of her wits to roll a few games.

 

Captains, make sure your rosters are full.

 

See everybody Thursday.  

Welcome to Season 9

Beer Framers,

Opening night is Thursday October 10th.  Just a couple of reminders:

• Meet in the bar so as not to disrupt the other leagues
• Come find me when you win free beer
• Tip your waitresses
• Always order the Tater Tots
• Pay your league dues

Congratulations Gutter Sluts

The Season 8 champs are the Gutter Sluts.  This is their 3rd league title and second title in a row.  The final standings are:

1. The Gutter Sluts
2. The Three Hole Enthusiasts
3. Forkin Balls
4. I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
5. Chinqs and Crakaz
6. The Moustachio Balls
7. The Licketty Splits
8. Glory Bowl
9. Gutt-er Done
10. The Hot Karls
11. Sore Dicks
12. Stop Looking At Our Balls

Thanks everybody for another great season.  See everybody next fall.

Night of Champions Preview

Well it’s the night that every bowler looks forward to all week long.  The Night of Champions is upon us and for one team; the glory of being called Beer Frame Bowling League Champion will be bestowed at the end of the evening.  As a quick reminder, tonight’s matches are winner take all.  With that let’s get to the match previews:

The Championship Match:  The Gutter Sluts v. The Three Hole Enthusiasts

This will be a grudge match.  Both teams have multiple BFBL Championships at their team headquarters.  The Gutter Sluts are looking to repeat and claim their 3^rd title.  The Three Holes are looking to prove that they aren’t as over the hill as they look.  Odds makers in Jackpot are giving this match to the Three Holes, citing the number of newbies on the Sluts versus the Three Holes grizzled (very grizzled) veterans.

The 3^rd Place Match: Forkin’ Balls v. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter

These two teams entered the league together last year, and both have shown remarkable improvement.  The experts have this match hinging on the performance of Jodi LaBrie.  If she’s throwing stones for Forkin Balls, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter doesn’t have a chance.  Scott Whipps from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter had this add “If we bowl like shit, we’re going to lose”.  Truer words were never spoken.

The 5^th Place Match: Chinqs and Crakaz! v. The Moustachio Balls

To long time BFBL franchises slugging it out for mediocrity.  For the Moustachio Balls, it would be there best finish.  For the Chinqs win or lose it will confirm once again that changing your name does not yield results.  Bring your singles Moustachio Balls.  Picking up spares can be a lucrative side gig while you’re blowing the Crakaz.

The 7^th Place Match: The Licketty Splits v. Glory Bowl

This will be a matchup of BFBL rookies.  The Licketty Splits experienced significant turnover in the off season and Glory Bowl is new this year.  The crucible of the Night of Champions can melt even the stoutest of character.  Luckily for these two teams it’s the 7^th place match and as Joe Namath once famously said; “Nobody ever got laid finishing 7^th”.

The 9^th Place Match: The Hot Karls v. Gutt-er Done

This is where the matches are almost not worth analyzing.  9^th place would be the worst finish for either of these franchises.  For what it’s worth, the BFBL internet chat boards are giving this one to the Karls.  They are also putting 4 to 1 odds that Greg Swenson will pull a hamstring celebrating yet another stellar 9.

DFL Match: Stop Looking at our Balls v. The Sore Dicks

Unofficially this match is always referred to as Sucks versus Really Sucks.  Both of these teams are no stranger to this match.  The outcome will depend on the rolling of Jerret Hopstad.  Will he be inspired by his 5 day old daughter and bowl over his head?  Or, will he so sleep deprived and only be going through the motions?  This of course is on the assumption that he’ll show up at all.

Everybody’s hard work all year long has come down to tonight.  I’ll see everybody at Westy’s.

Team Spotlight: Glory Bowl

Well the league office has been remiss in addressing our newest expansion team.  Glory Bowl was granted a league franchise in week 2 of this year and in keeping with BFBL tradition we now turn the team spotlight on the members of Glory Bowl.

First up, the captain of Glory Bowl Brett Barrier.  When Brett first realized that he may have an opportunity to go from subbing in week one to running a franchise in week 2, he had a crisis of confidence.  Self doubt crept in as he pondered all the ways that he might not be successful.  His more recent failures including skipping breakfast and multiple j-walking tickets filled his head with doubt.  Was he really cut out to be a bowling team captain?  After a few tense days, Brett learned that his check did in fact clear and he was now an official BFBL team captain.  All he needed was to build a team.

Brett’s first stop was the Baldry’s.  Bill and Erica Baldry have been a package deal since the day they were married.  Doing everything together was Bill’s idea.  It was his image of the perfect union.  Admittedly it was strange for Erica.  Before marriage Erica was used to the times spent bathing and using the facilities as “Erica” time.  Bill worked from day 1 to prove her wrong and now the Baldry’s are the reigning Customers of the Year at Deuce’s Doublewide Toilet Emporium.  Naturally when Erica wanted to bowl, Bill was right beside her.

Next up on the Bill’s target list was Jeff and Lee Varga.  Unlike the Baldry’s, the Varga’s were far from a package deal.  In fact the merits of bowling had been a major point of debate in their marriage for years.   Jeff had maintained his family’s belief that bowling was the devil’s work.  A game that leads to sloth, dilly dallying and a dangerous hardening of the arteries.  Lee, on the other hand came from a long line of bowling greats.  Having been raised at the alley, Lee would hear stories most often of her legendary Uncle Haratio.  Haratio was a such a bowler that he once won Bowler of the Year and the Champion Couch Potato awards for greater Canyon county in the same year.  His accomplishment was all more the celebrated after his passing due to heart attack later the following year.  All this family history made Lee commit to Glory Bowl on the spot.  She knew Jeff would not approve and she knew that it would take a convincing argument for Jeff to sign the contract that Brett had offered him.  As it turns out Jeff’s addiction to Tater Tots ultimately forced him to compromise his family values and sign on the dotted line.

Finally, Bill turned to that great sea of humanity (and phenomenal bowlers) to fill the final spot.  The women’s room at the Greyhound station was where he signed Kylie.  Bill tried to pry into her history and even get her last name, but all Kylie would say is that she was a kick ass bowler and only had one name; like Madonna or Elmo.  Bill was admittedly tentative.  The only encouraging sign was that it didn’t appear that Kylie actually lived permanently in the restroom and with little time remaining, Bill presented Kylie her contract and filled out the Glory Bowl roster.