The Gutter Sluts battered a drunken Gutter-Done both games to rob the Championship match of any drama. Congratulations to the Sluts on their 2nd BFBL Championship. The final standings are below:
1st The Gutter Sluts
2nd Gutter-Done
3rd The Hot Karls
4th The Three Hole Enthusiasts
5th The Lickety Splits
6th I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
7th Kum ichi my Ballz
8th Forkin' Balls
9th Sore Dicks
10th Three Fingers Deep
11th Bowl Movement
DFL Stop Looking At Our Balls
Thanks everybody for a great year. I hope to see you all next fall for Season 8.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Week 7 Newsletter
Kids, it is the night you look forward to all year on the calendar. That’s right, tonight is the Night of Champions Eve. Tomorrow at the hallowed grounds of Westy’s Bowling Alley and Germatorium yet another BFBL Champion will be crowned.
A quick note for newbies and those that killed off some select brain cells in the past year. On the Night of Champions, everybody bowls. The #1 seed will play the #2 seed, 3 vs. 4, etc. The matches will be winner take all. Throw out the regular season records and pin totals. Win tomorrow night and go into the off season with the sweet smell of fried food (and victory) encircling your nostrils.
The match previews for the Night of Champions are as follows:
Championship Match: The Gutter Sluts v. Gutter-Done
The Gutter Sluts are gunning for their 2nd league title, while the Gutter-done is looking for their first. The big question will be if Gutter-Done’s will be able to withstand the crucible of pressure that comes with bowling for a BFBL title. For the Gutter Sluts, their return to the top came out of nowhere. Mired in years of internal turmoil, roster turnover and general mediocrity, somehow the Sluts have managed to put together a dream run this season.
3rd Place Match: The Hot Karls v. Three Hole Enthusiasts
For the 4th year in a row, the Karls the Three Holes meet on the Night of Champions. The previous three resulted in the winner claiming the BFBL championship. This time it will be for good old fashion pride. It is also a clash of cultures; The Hot Karls define themselves as a well groomed, good looking, bowling juggernaut. The Three Holes on the other hand, are a disheveled, slovenly collection that most people just assume live in a van down by the river.
5th Place Match: The Lickety Splits v. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter
The Lickety Splits have shot up the standings this year and I think it can be attributed to the additions of two new members. Chris and Emily Allen brought much needed elite level bowling alley experience to the Splits this year. They actual met in a bowling alley. Emily was the jr. cocktail waitress at the Chalet Lanes in Tacoma WA. Chris was a down on his luck drifter hanging out at the front counter, addicted to the shoe sterilizing spray. After a whirlwind romance consisting mostly of Chris grabbing Emily’s ass as she passed by and Emily smuggling out used cans of ShoeStink 3000 for Chris to huff, they settled down. After shacking up, Emily made some internet history as she became the first prostitute to offer a Groupon. With the overwhelming Groupon response, Chris found himself with more free time than ever. It was with that extra free time, that Chris found an engagement ring for Emily as he was dumpster diving for more ShoeStink.
For I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter, this will be their last chance to stop their mid season free fall.
7th Place Match: Forkin’ Balls v. Kum Ichi Mi Ballz
In the battle of the Balls, whose will come out as the biggest? For the Forks, a win would be an up note to an up and down first season. For Kum Ichi, it will be yet another chapter in their quest to answer two of life’s most fundamental questions: 1. How much beer can I drink without throwing 20 straight gutter balls? 2. How does Jake have so many dollar bills while still keeping his pants on?
9th Place Match: Sore Dicks v. Three Fingers Deep
Sore Dick captain Jerret has excitedly been telling his patients all week, that his team is bowling for 9th place. It’s a wonder that he has any patients left. The only thing people hate more than a loser is a loser celebrating a grasp for mediocrity. For Three Fingers Deep, it’s the same old story. It appears that even when he’s not on the Tequila, captain Mikey C, still has his work cut out for him.
DFL Match: Stop Looking at Our Balls v. Bowl Movement
Nothing to preview here. This is sucks vs. uber-sucks
BFBL Past Champions
2010 Three Hole Enthusiasts
2009 The Hot Karls
2008 The Hot Karls
2007 Three Hole Enthusiasts
2006 Watery Poop (now Kum ichi mi Ballz)
2005 The Gutter Sluts
Friday, November 11, 2011
Week 7 (& Regular Season) Results
Well gang the regular season is over and the Night Of Champions lineup is all set. In the Championship match, The Gutter Sluts will be gunning for their second BFBL Championship, while Gutter-done are trying for their first.
Kevin - Make sure to bring the Championship Trophy
Kevin - Make sure to bring the Championship Trophy
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Week 6 Newsletter
It’s already the last week fo the regular season and it is going to be hard to catch Gutter-done and the Gutter Sluts to sneak into the Championship match. The only team that has their destiny in their own colorful bowling shoes is I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. The former number ones takes to the alley tonight in the marquee matchup with their mentors; Gutter-Done. A sweep by the Can’t Believers would be enough for them to jump the Gutter-done’s. The fact that Gutter Done Captain Donny helped get the Can’t Believers promoted to the BFBL only adds another facet to this story which has many layers. Well, two layers to be more specific. See everybody at the alley. The expansion team spotlight, falls on Forkin’ Balls below.
Expansion Team Spotlight: Forkin' Balls
It is not widely known that the BFBL has a celebrity captain in their midst. Cameron Lumsden owns popular downtown eatery Fork. More impressive than that though is that he has been quoted in none other than the Idaho Statesman*. The full article can be read here: http://www.idahostatesman.com/2011/11/04/1864837/flavors-of-fall-land-on-boise.html but the most interesting point of his interview was glossed over by the crack Statesman staff. His observation printed as: “Fork owner Cameron Lumsden sees his red wine sales go up in the fall” was left at that. The league offices were able to get a hold of the complete reporter’s notes (after his English teacher gave him a C-) and they ready like this:Cameron “Red wine sales go up in the winter. Well, actually all booze sales go up in the winter. Do you want a drink? I think it has to do with all the darkness. I sure could use a drink. I know that when I wake up and it’s still dark, that the night before hasn’t ended, so I don’t have a problem whetting my whistle. Then when I leave work, it’s still dark so I practically need to have a few to make sure my eyes are dilated properly. Boy you know I could get us a drink even though all the taps are turned off and the cabinet is locked. Are you sure you don’t want one for the road before you go back to class?
The reporter then noted that Cameron began drinking from the drip pan below the tap
handles.
Joining Cameron on the Balls is Amanda Shea. Amanda met Cameron almost immediately after she stepped off the bus from New York City. Needing to use the restroom, Amanda went from the bus station to Fork. When she noticed that the stall in the ladies room was twice as big as her apartment, she never left. After a couple of days, Cameron noticed longer than usual lines for the bathroom while the restaurant was opened. After hours, Cameron went into the ladies room, where he found Amanda curled up, sleeping blissfully on the baby changing shelf in the handicap stall.
Jodi and Dave LeBrie opted to join Cameron and Amanda when their plan to be surgically conjoined by the hands fell through. Jodi and Dave had recently finished second at the Middleton Charleston Dancing competition. This was after a 3rd place finish in 2010. After being faulted by the judges for rather tame lower leg gyrations in 2010, Jodi and Dave immediately had their knee tendons removed. Back for more in 2011, the judges noticed a small hand separation during their new routine. Although they were given high marks for “lower legs that practically spun in circles”, the hand break cost them. When Dave and Jodi met Cameron in the hospital waiting room, he mentioned the bowling team he was putting together. Always on a quest to find a non-mainstream activity that might allow them to shower themselves with glory and provide meaning to their lives, Dave and Jodi followed Cameron out the door.
Rounding out the male side of his team, Cameron turned to Dave Thornton. Looking at Dave you’d be tempted to speculate that he was brought in as a ringer. In fact, Cameron had no idea if Dave could bowl at all. He did know that he had plenty of free time as he recently retired after selling a pot roast that looked like the inn keeper who owned the manger where Jesus was born to some wingnut in South Carolina.
Finally, Stephanie Trebesch rounds out the Forkin Balls team. Stephanie didn’t need much convincing to join a team. Having just spent 64 consecutive nights at Hannah’s without so much as getting asked for her phone number, Stephanie decided maybe she wasn’t cut out for the bar scene. It probably didn’t help, that Stephanie refused to wear anything but her t-shirt that read: Ask Me About My Celibacy. I talked to her on opening night and it was evident that she had received a second wind in the social arena. She gushed on and on about how many sophisticated, good looking and intelligent men had already approached her at Westy’s. When I asked her about her lucky t-shirt, she told me she still had it on, but they others made her wear this bowling jersey over the top of it. When I asked her about her standards, she only paused for a moment, cocked her head slightly and replied, huh?Ladies & Gentleman, Forkin’ Balls.
As a side note, many former Statesman writers and editors applied for the BFBL internship job. Those without a resume were not interviewed. The two that at least had their accomplishments listed on a cocktail napkin were almost interviewed. They were removed from consideration when they arrived at the league offices in untied Velcro shoes and enough boogers running down their nose, that even my 2 year old ran to get them a tissue.
The reporter then noted that Cameron began drinking from the drip pan below the tap
handles.
Joining Cameron on the Balls is Amanda Shea. Amanda met Cameron almost immediately after she stepped off the bus from New York City. Needing to use the restroom, Amanda went from the bus station to Fork. When she noticed that the stall in the ladies room was twice as big as her apartment, she never left. After a couple of days, Cameron noticed longer than usual lines for the bathroom while the restaurant was opened. After hours, Cameron went into the ladies room, where he found Amanda curled up, sleeping blissfully on the baby changing shelf in the handicap stall.
Jodi and Dave LeBrie opted to join Cameron and Amanda when their plan to be surgically conjoined by the hands fell through. Jodi and Dave had recently finished second at the Middleton Charleston Dancing competition. This was after a 3rd place finish in 2010. After being faulted by the judges for rather tame lower leg gyrations in 2010, Jodi and Dave immediately had their knee tendons removed. Back for more in 2011, the judges noticed a small hand separation during their new routine. Although they were given high marks for “lower legs that practically spun in circles”, the hand break cost them. When Dave and Jodi met Cameron in the hospital waiting room, he mentioned the bowling team he was putting together. Always on a quest to find a non-mainstream activity that might allow them to shower themselves with glory and provide meaning to their lives, Dave and Jodi followed Cameron out the door.
Rounding out the male side of his team, Cameron turned to Dave Thornton. Looking at Dave you’d be tempted to speculate that he was brought in as a ringer. In fact, Cameron had no idea if Dave could bowl at all. He did know that he had plenty of free time as he recently retired after selling a pot roast that looked like the inn keeper who owned the manger where Jesus was born to some wingnut in South Carolina.
Finally, Stephanie Trebesch rounds out the Forkin Balls team. Stephanie didn’t need much convincing to join a team. Having just spent 64 consecutive nights at Hannah’s without so much as getting asked for her phone number, Stephanie decided maybe she wasn’t cut out for the bar scene. It probably didn’t help, that Stephanie refused to wear anything but her t-shirt that read: Ask Me About My Celibacy. I talked to her on opening night and it was evident that she had received a second wind in the social arena. She gushed on and on about how many sophisticated, good looking and intelligent men had already approached her at Westy’s. When I asked her about her lucky t-shirt, she told me she still had it on, but they others made her wear this bowling jersey over the top of it. When I asked her about her standards, she only paused for a moment, cocked her head slightly and replied, huh?Ladies & Gentleman, Forkin’ Balls.
As a side note, many former Statesman writers and editors applied for the BFBL internship job. Those without a resume were not interviewed. The two that at least had their accomplishments listed on a cocktail napkin were almost interviewed. They were removed from consideration when they arrived at the league offices in untied Velcro shoes and enough boogers running down their nose, that even my 2 year old ran to get them a tissue.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Week 6 Standings
Gutter-Done is your new 1st place team. By a grand total of 22 total pins they have put themselves in a great position to make their first championship game.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Week 5 Photo Newsletter Part III
Capturing 1st place in the category of "Capitalizing on a mild YouTube craze"
The Honey Badger (and his prey). Carson is the biggest (read: only) Honey Badger enthusiast that I know. I've been told that he easily convinced his team on the costume idea. He was less successful with his followup Honey Badger video viewing party.
In a blast from the past, Forkin' Balls went with the Flintstones. For those you too young to remember watching the Flintstones, "Twinkle Toes" Fred and Barney spent their leisure time in the bowling alley. That would be the leisure time that that wasn't already taken up verbally abusing their wives and chowing down on Brontosaurus Burgers.
In the "Let's Pick a Costume to Offend one of our Team Members" category:
The Panda-philes came as Poachers. As a point of explanation, Jake is an Asian-American. One who has a predilection for molesting pandas. In their continuing effort to rehab Jake, his team has been making Jake face his flaws in public. If this doesn't work, I've been told that they will simply remind Jake that he is of Japanese decent and that panda bears are native to China.
I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
ICBING came into Halloween night in 1st place dressed as middle of the standings team Gutter-Done. They promptly got waxed and are now looking up in the standings. If I were Jenna, I might have followed the advice of a little four old boy. Last year a little budding alley rat took one look at Gutter-Done captain Donny and went screaming to his mom yelling "Mommy don't let me grow up to be like that guy".
Steve Jobs and the IBowlers
Stop Looking at Our Balls captain Brett Hoover, was the brainchild behind this costume. It was his small way to pay tribute to one his heroes, Steve Jobs. Rory, the BFBL intern was able to sit in on the design sessions for these costumes and had this to add. "Originally, Walker was tabbed to be Siri, the new Iphone 4s digital assistant. After 5 minutes of Teeter randomly yelling "Siri drop your pants", the idea was scrapped."
Finally in the "WTF" category we have Bowl Movement.
It's unclear to the league office if the team simply refused to take their team photo of if Phil and Leif felt that they were the team and everybody else was there to just suck up oxygen.
In either event, we can all be glad that Leif's original costume idea didn't see the light of day.
See everybody tonight at the alley.
The Honey Badger (and his prey). Carson is the biggest (read: only) Honey Badger enthusiast that I know. I've been told that he easily convinced his team on the costume idea. He was less successful with his followup Honey Badger video viewing party.In a blast from the past, Forkin' Balls went with the Flintstones. For those you too young to remember watching the Flintstones, "Twinkle Toes" Fred and Barney spent their leisure time in the bowling alley. That would be the leisure time that that wasn't already taken up verbally abusing their wives and chowing down on Brontosaurus Burgers.
In the "Let's Pick a Costume to Offend one of our Team Members" category:
The Panda-philes came as Poachers. As a point of explanation, Jake is an Asian-American. One who has a predilection for molesting pandas. In their continuing effort to rehab Jake, his team has been making Jake face his flaws in public. If this doesn't work, I've been told that they will simply remind Jake that he is of Japanese decent and that panda bears are native to China.I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter
ICBING came into Halloween night in 1st place dressed as middle of the standings team Gutter-Done. They promptly got waxed and are now looking up in the standings. If I were Jenna, I might have followed the advice of a little four old boy. Last year a little budding alley rat took one look at Gutter-Done captain Donny and went screaming to his mom yelling "Mommy don't let me grow up to be like that guy".Steve Jobs and the IBowlers
Stop Looking at Our Balls captain Brett Hoover, was the brainchild behind this costume. It was his small way to pay tribute to one his heroes, Steve Jobs. Rory, the BFBL intern was able to sit in on the design sessions for these costumes and had this to add. "Originally, Walker was tabbed to be Siri, the new Iphone 4s digital assistant. After 5 minutes of Teeter randomly yelling "Siri drop your pants", the idea was scrapped."Finally in the "WTF" category we have Bowl Movement.
It's unclear to the league office if the team simply refused to take their team photo of if Phil and Leif felt that they were the team and everybody else was there to just suck up oxygen.In either event, we can all be glad that Leif's original costume idea didn't see the light of day.
See everybody tonight at the alley.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Week 5 Photo Newsletter Part II
From the "I Can't Believe Any Team Hasn't Done This Yet" category:
The Big Lebowski. It's pretty safe to say that if you are in a bowling league and haven't seen the Big Lebowski, it is time to reassess your priorities in life.
Debuting as champions in a brand new category this year, the Sore Dicks win the:
"Costumes that we are going to try and bring into the bedroom"
For Jerret and Travis, this is understandable. Queen Amadala is hot. For Luke and Stacey all you need to know is that Luke is one weird dude.
Part III coming tomorrow....
The Big Lebowski. It's pretty safe to say that if you are in a bowling league and haven't seen the Big Lebowski, it is time to reassess your priorities in life.Debuting as champions in a brand new category this year, the Sore Dicks win the:
"Costumes that we are going to try and bring into the bedroom"
For Jerret and Travis, this is understandable. Queen Amadala is hot. For Luke and Stacey all you need to know is that Luke is one weird dude.Part III coming tomorrow....
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Week 5 Photo Newsletter Part I
As always Halloween night delivered.
The Annual "I'm seeing double award" goes to:
Team Pabst #1
& Pabst Team #2
Both teams employed top notch engineers to make these costumes wearable. The Gutter-Done's use of an entire crate of duct tap really pushed it over the top. The Three Hole Enthusiasts were also docked points because they didn't end up bowling in their costumes.
Amazingly we had 2nd place finishers in the seeing double category.
Both the Gutter Sluts and Three Fingers Deep ripped their costumes from all the headlines that nobody reads. Both teams were also entered into these additional categories:
"Let's protest to let the world know that being greedy unethical son of a bitch is bad"
"Camping in a park is fun, let's go protest"
Incidentally this is the second year in the row that the Gutter Sluts have come dressed up in the same costume as another team. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hear some conspiracy talk last week about costume stealing.
Again we have a team that is not fully dressed up in Three Fingers Deep. It was a sad scene when I had to deny Dave his rightful free pitcher for a turkey. As an innocent bystander sub, Dave was the victim of some shoddy captaining. After I explained the rules, Dave did seem to cheer up as he walked away. All I heard was "I'm going to kick Mikey C in the balls so hard that he'll have to a tonsillectomy to get them removed.
Part II coming soon...
The Annual "I'm seeing double award" goes to:
Team Pabst #1
& Pabst Team #2
Both teams employed top notch engineers to make these costumes wearable. The Gutter-Done's use of an entire crate of duct tap really pushed it over the top. The Three Hole Enthusiasts were also docked points because they didn't end up bowling in their costumes.Amazingly we had 2nd place finishers in the seeing double category.
Both the Gutter Sluts and Three Fingers Deep ripped their costumes from all the headlines that nobody reads. Both teams were also entered into these additional categories:
"Let's protest to let the world know that being greedy unethical son of a bitch is bad"
"Camping in a park is fun, let's go protest"
Incidentally this is the second year in the row that the Gutter Sluts have come dressed up in the same costume as another team. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hear some conspiracy talk last week about costume stealing.
Again we have a team that is not fully dressed up in Three Fingers Deep. It was a sad scene when I had to deny Dave his rightful free pitcher for a turkey. As an innocent bystander sub, Dave was the victim of some shoddy captaining. After I explained the rules, Dave did seem to cheer up as he walked away. All I heard was "I'm going to kick Mikey C in the balls so hard that he'll have to a tonsillectomy to get them removed.
Part II coming soon...
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